I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Send us your Text From Last Night!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
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