Texts From Last Night

Crstephens's Favorites Texts:

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  (818): View more from California

  They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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  (818): They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps... http://tfl.nu/7lmv
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

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  (704): they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming. http://tfl.nu/eg1m
  Replies (6) Good night (3754) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.

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  (678): yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her. http://tfl.nu/rtst
  Replies (58) Good night (8126) Bad night (781) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  Joe is yelling at the trees again.

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  (760): Joe is yelling at the trees again. http://tfl.nu/dpjn
  Replies (26) Good night (3637) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Five things that make you perfect. Go.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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  (918): Five things that make you perfect. Go. (1-918): The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/ni7m
  Replies (25) Good night (5895) Bad night (624)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

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  (651): Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad. http://tfl.nu/pphf
  Replies (16) Good night (7993) Bad night (676) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.

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  (425): You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left. http://tfl.nu/zkuy
  Replies (20) Good night (1245) Bad night (5417) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  What!?!?! How are you txting?!

  (775): View more from Nevada

  Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

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  (775): Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you. (1-775): What!?!?! How are you txting?! (775): Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/1ioc
  Replies (55) Good night (786) Bad night (2710)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk

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  (301): Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk http://tfl.nu/lzse
  Replies (20) Good night (5445) Bad night (413) Order T-Shirt
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

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  (662): I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high. http://tfl.nu/4f4j
  Replies (16) Good night (6674) Bad night (1473) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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  (571): non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do. http://tfl.nu/8y8e
  Replies (74) Good night (13316) Bad night (1504) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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  (518): and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card http://tfl.nu/bprl
  Replies (30) Good night (1994) Bad night (7470)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You mean bread?

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  (678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast? (404): You mean bread? http://tfl.nu/0bp8
  Replies (60) Good night (16096) Bad night (989)
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  (646): View more from New York

  I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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  (646): I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister. http://tfl.nu/fqyo
  Replies (26) Good night (8593) Bad night (956) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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  (603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her http://tfl.nu/t8zc
  Replies (90) Good night (2082) Bad night (22163) Order T-Shirt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes

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  (219): The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes http://tfl.nu/ulxb
  Replies (14) Good night (539) Bad night (4132) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.

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  (856): It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle. http://tfl.nu/cqa0
  Replies (4) Good night (1188) Bad night (2916) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

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  (407): Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis. http://tfl.nu/knfk
  Replies (14) Good night (4398) Bad night (368) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?

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  (609): Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do? http://tfl.nu/p111
  Replies (110) Good night (2169) Bad night (1489) Order T-Shirt
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  The police scanner is talking about you again....

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  (712): The police scanner is talking about you again.... http://tfl.nu/f6sk
  Replies (16) Good night (8121) Bad night (987) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  but the lizard people decide everything anyway

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  (780): but the lizard people decide everything anyway http://tfl.nu/21qe
  Replies (27) Good night (3485) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  fuck the hobbit

  (301): View more from Maryland

  what about unicorns?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  fuck those pointy horses

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  (732): fuck the hobbit (301): what about unicorns? (732): fuck those pointy horses http://tfl.nu/k7om
  Replies (9) Good night (2337) Bad night (444)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk

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  (352): I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk http://tfl.nu/lbo9
  Replies (7) Good night (2691) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me

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  (702): I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me http://tfl.nu/i2q6
  Replies (41) Good night (2874) Bad night (508) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?

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  (734): Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you? http://tfl.nu/kjun
  Replies (18) Good night (3065) Bad night (613) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin

  (509): View more from Washington

  and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"

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  (509): you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin (509): and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD" http://tfl.nu/lw4q
  Replies (37) Good night (3418) Bad night (435)
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  (707): View more from California

  OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.

  (1-707): View more from California

  Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

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  (707): OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy. (1-707): Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots. http://tfl.nu/h6l1
  Replies (11) Good night (1259) Bad night (2919) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  youre lurking in front of me

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  (407): youre lurking in front of me http://tfl.nu/nxpl
  Replies (4) Good night (399) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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  (973): On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now? http://tfl.nu/9ud5
  Replies (57) Good night (2414) Bad night (354) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

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  (817): Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch... http://tfl.nu/5oqr
  Replies (5) Good night (955) Bad night (417) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.

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  (214): they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids. http://tfl.nu/ux66
  Replies (18) Good night (804) Bad night (2434) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???

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  (407): I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms??? http://tfl.nu/7lb6
  Replies (31) Good night (5040) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours

  (816): View more from Missouri

  outstanding.

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  (816): and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like. (1-816): Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours (816): outstanding. http://tfl.nu/qtfw
  Replies (15) Good night (4110) Bad night (614)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.

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  (757): It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends. http://tfl.nu/y207
  Replies (21) Good night (716) Bad night (5690) Order T-Shirt
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
  Replies (208) Good night (49121) Bad night (2151) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  To a 70 year old lady?!

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  (508): Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face" (774): To a 70 year old lady?! http://tfl.nu/99j2
  Replies (20) Good night (4574) Bad night (1705)
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  (925): View more from California

  I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.

  (713): View more from Texas

  Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...

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  (925): I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night. (713): Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry... http://tfl.nu/w6q1
  Replies (36) Good night (3168) Bad night (398)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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  (412): the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime (724): ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname http://tfl.nu/hnce
  Replies (62) Good night (7042) Bad night (452)
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  (239): View more from Florida

  My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.

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  (239): My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God. http://tfl.nu/tpwi
  Replies (13) Good night (1129) Bad night (4113) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....

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  (704): you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face.... http://tfl.nu/3wos
  Replies (24) Good night (981) Bad night (3442) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Too many margaritas?

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  (405): Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog. (321): Too many margaritas? http://tfl.nu/18gt
  Replies (9) Good night (3727) Bad night (724)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.

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  (405): I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat. http://tfl.nu/2u5h
  Replies (17) Good night (2243) Bad night (735) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".

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  (304): You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces". http://tfl.nu/rjzc
  Replies (5) Good night (3674) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

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  (215): you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'. (215): we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/6wc5
  Replies (27) Good night (6307) Bad night (490)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  where are you?

  (914): View more from New York

  in the room with the baby pig

  (804): View more from Virginia

  k im coming soon

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  (804): where are you? (914): in the room with the baby pig (804): k im coming soon http://tfl.nu/ccxr
  Replies (4) Good night (1105) Bad night (300)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  "tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?

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  (404): "tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went? http://tfl.nu/cthr
  Replies (16) Good night (630) Bad night (7413) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw

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  (856): I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw http://tfl.nu/7ysm
  Replies (9) Good night (879) Bad night (2093) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.

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  (716): u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you. http://tfl.nu/wk7e
  Replies (51) Good night (604) Bad night (4680) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

  (786): View more from Florida

  How high are you right now..

  (305): View more from Florida

  I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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  (305): Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind. (786): How high are you right now.. (305): I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT. http://tfl.nu/q5i7
  Replies (29) Good night (9723) Bad night (733)
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  (631): View more from New York

  My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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  (631): My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you. http://tfl.nu/4nkq
  Replies (7) Good night (5004) Bad night (712) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I'm sorry my penis didn't work

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  (301): I'm sorry my penis didn't work http://tfl.nu/tw6r
  Replies (10) Good night (336) Bad night (2013) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything

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  (815): yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything http://tfl.nu/8gpe
  Replies (14) Good night (3987) Bad night (584)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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  (503): Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal http://tfl.nu/qwe2
  Replies (13) Good night (6923) Bad night (1148) Order T-Shirt
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  (435): View more from Utah

  Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.

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  (435): Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage. http://tfl.nu/k0ri
  Replies (5) Good night (1592) Bad night (512) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  ...there is blood under my fingernails.

  (515): View more from Iowa

  ...I hope my roomates are okay.

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  (515): ...there is blood under my fingernails. (515): ...I hope my roomates are okay. http://tfl.nu/jgvb
  Replies (6) Good night (730) Bad night (3078)
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?

  (1-705): View more from Ontario

  I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.

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  (705): How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk? (1-705): I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month. http://tfl.nu/0dv4
  Replies (14) Good night (3470) Bad night (607)
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  (716): View more from New York

  i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

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  (716): i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly http://tfl.nu/a8cm
  Replies (19) Good night (1118) Bad night (5181)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  What does that mean?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  How when the cu k dos I yet u

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Focus

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  (248): fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!! (1-248): What does that mean? (248): How when the cu k dos I yet u (1-248): Focus http://tfl.nu/kvgv
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I am a bulletproof tiger!

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?

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  (828): I am a bulletproof tiger! (615): Haha. Nice, be careful tonight. (828): I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat? http://tfl.nu/tz40
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke

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  (519): I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke http://tfl.nu/3o1y
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  (509): View more from Washington

  am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.

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  (509): am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast. http://tfl.nu/srmx
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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  (216): My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand. http://tfl.nu/h0pi
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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  (506): I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer? (902): the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka. http://tfl.nu/rxlv
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  (315): View more from New York

  THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!

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  (315): THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/7uwm
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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  (412): I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on. http://tfl.nu/5fm3
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  (214): View more from Texas

  herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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  (214): herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina. (1-214): ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname... http://tfl.nu/qpb9
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it

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  (313): Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it http://tfl.nu/qght
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Houston.. we have a drinking problem..

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  (402): Houston.. we have a drinking problem.. http://tfl.nu/fbwf
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  who is this?

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  (616): when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me. (248): who is this? http://tfl.nu/n5nl
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  (607): View more from New York

  How was dinner with ur grandparents?

  (1-607): View more from New York

  I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

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  (607): How was dinner with ur grandparents? (1-607) I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana." http://tfl.nu/9nup
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this

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  (978): Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this http://tfl.nu/fyek
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  well I can't set my house on fire every night

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  (248): well I can't set my house on fire every night http://tfl.nu/iwc7
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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  (817): Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him. http://tfl.nu/25q8
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  what was she crying about?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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  (734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle. (1-734): what was she crying about? (734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job. http://tfl.nu/fomm
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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  (864): you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night http://tfl.nu/m2bf
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  (951): View more from California

  better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???

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  (951): better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life??? http://tfl.nu/fjyx
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He's been sleeping iwht ***

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Nooo

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb

  (816): View more from Missouri

  And then hit her in the face with a shovel

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  (816): He's been sleeping iwht *** (1-816): Nooo (816): Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb (816): And then hit her in the face with a shovel http://tfl.nu/a1q0
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  (954): View more from Florida

  you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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  (954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now http://tfl.nu/39yk
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  (631): View more from New York

  dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.

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  (631): dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me. http://tfl.nu/uux2
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"

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  (603): your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers" http://tfl.nu/lsqw
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  (818): View more from California

  So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

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  (818): So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice http://tfl.nu/dh5p
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  (954): View more from Florida

  What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

  (904): View more from Florida

  Both

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  (954): What are you talking about? And how drunk are you? (904): Both http://tfl.nu/7q6w
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night

  (631): View more from New York

  U should. Its a good ice breaker

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  (740): Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night (631): U should. Its a good ice breaker http://tfl.nu/6sdf
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  (789): View more from

  If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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  (789): If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days. http://tfl.nu/hp74
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What? You're not speaking real words.

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  (423): I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me (617): What? You're not speaking real words. http://tfl.nu/o2go
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  (209): View more from California

  His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.

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  (209): His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants. http://tfl.nu/6g5r
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  (817): View more from Texas

  i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole

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  (817): i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole http://tfl.nu/vkxw
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

  (510): View more from California

  YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  (303): I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it. (510): YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/7kxq
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  (954): View more from Florida

  so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop

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  (954): so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop http://tfl.nu/k9k3
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."

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  (248): Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth." http://tfl.nu/c9w9
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  (716): View more from New York

  holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

  (1-716): View more from New York

  How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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  (716): holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today ! (1-716): How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...' http://tfl.nu/v4tn
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?

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  (617): Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it? http://tfl.nu/1qwp
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  THAT'LL be a good time.

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.

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  (401): THAT'LL be a good time. (401): and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word. http://tfl.nu/x8f6
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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  (401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x
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  (323): View more from California

  Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

  (1-323): View more from California

  We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

  (323): View more from California

  Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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  (323): Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender? (1-323): We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out? (323): Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture. http://tfl.nu/sr23
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.

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  (203): I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust. http://tfl.nu/xny1
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.

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  (604): You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur. http://tfl.nu/i4e8
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

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  (920): you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!' http://tfl.nu/st5y
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  (646): View more from New York

  Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.

  (1-646): View more from New York

  what. the. fuck.

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  (646): Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now. (1-646): what. the. fuck. http://tfl.nu/rzew
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

  (708): View more from Illinois

  We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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  (847): Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday? (708): We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us. http://tfl.nu/9z48
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

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  (336): Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me. http://tfl.nu/79qg
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius

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  (203): You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius http://tfl.nu/w3wu
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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  (708): You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half. http://tfl.nu/enxi
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.

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  (803): Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine. http://tfl.nu/e72g
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again

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  (617): you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again http://tfl.nu/3f6n
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

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  (215): Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire. http://tfl.nu/xwgk
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  (516): View more from New York

  Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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  (516): Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me... http://tfl.nu/nenj
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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  (970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises. http://tfl.nu/lren
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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  (610): you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask http://tfl.nu/pl36
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

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  (610): You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila. http://tfl.nu/p50o
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  (631): View more from New York

  You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.

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  (631): You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk. http://tfl.nu/huyr
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  (206): View more from Washington

  well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas

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  (206): well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas http://tfl.nu/i2gq
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!

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  (724): Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face! http://tfl.nu/2men
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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  (502): Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity http://tfl.nu/qinl
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  (239): View more from Florida

  she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols

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  (239): she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols http://tfl.nu/3kt1
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  (713): View more from Texas

  She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.

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  (713): She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife. http://tfl.nu/71gc
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened

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  (617): there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened http://tfl.nu/7n12
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  wait... oh

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  (401): dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM (616): Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek? (401): wait... oh http://tfl.nu/kgtx
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Shittttttt.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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  (734): I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy. (1-734): Shittttttt. (734): Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy. http://tfl.nu/htfb
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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  (703): i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice. http://tfl.nu/s321
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I did the walk of shame to another booty call

  (269): View more from Michigan

  I don't think that should turn me on, but it does

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  (616): I did the walk of shame to another booty call (269): I don't think that should turn me on, but it does http://tfl.nu/0yjb
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  (805): View more from California

  IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!

  (818): View more from California

  A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?

  (805): View more from California

  CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT

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  (805): IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT! (818): A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie? (805): CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT http://tfl.nu/znee
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...

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  (519): I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling... http://tfl.nu/p0v8
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day

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  (225): He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day http://tfl.nu/y67c
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.

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  (832): Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/8o52
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey

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  (416): I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey http://tfl.nu/3mx1
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.

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  (515): he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants. http://tfl.nu/e70d
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  (650): View more from California

  Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.

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  (650): Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us. http://tfl.nu/ztab
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  (954): View more from Florida

  i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it

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  (954): i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it http://tfl.nu/cllt
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  (858): View more from California

  I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

  (619): View more from California

  you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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  (858): I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up. (619): you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS http://tfl.nu/a8ci
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  (516): View more from New York

  I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.

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  (516): I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life. http://tfl.nu/0sjl
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

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  (678): I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI. http://tfl.nu/868g
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.

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  (734): similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well. http://tfl.nu/7lvz
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.

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  (508): We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while. http://tfl.nu/9c2t
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.

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  (352): Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want. http://tfl.nu/d61s
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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  (608): This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night. http://tfl.nu/r58q
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  (509): View more from Washington

  That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis

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  (509): That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis http://tfl.nu/pim3
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.

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  (443): Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her. http://tfl.nu/u8d4
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha

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  (202): I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha http://tfl.nu/h2dn
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.

  (1-208): View more from Idaho

  did we at least go back and get it?

  (208): View more from Idaho

  how else do you think we got jack in the box...?

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  (208): you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too. (1-208): did we at least go back and get it? (208): how else do you think we got jack in the box...? http://tfl.nu/t8wq
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night

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  (541): I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night http://tfl.nu/6f3k
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

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  (303): i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around http://tfl.nu/e0gz
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  (713): View more from Texas

  He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.

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  (713): He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it. http://tfl.nu/91c2
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  (310): View more from California

  my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.

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  (310): my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis. http://tfl.nu/isfk
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  i think the cat found all the blow we lost...

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  (269): i think the cat found all the blow we lost... http://tfl.nu/uqm6
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?

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  (757): I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you? http://tfl.nu/hgrf
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa

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  (601): You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa http://tfl.nu/lg9x
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is

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  (404): you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is http://tfl.nu/bwe9
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

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  (440): Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know. http://tfl.nu/71w6
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  (858): View more from California

  Do you think there is vodka in heaven?

  (619): View more from California

  you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity

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  (858): Do you think there is vodka in heaven? (619): you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity http://tfl.nu/y8gk
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  i'm going to rape that little man

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  omg not your brother

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  (414): i'm going to rape that little man (414): omg not your brother http://tfl.nu/01hx
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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  (708): Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex" http://tfl.nu/sy7y
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.

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  (717): No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon. http://tfl.nu/gt7r
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

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  (302): It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it. http://tfl.nu/3oo8
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  (407): View more from Florida

  im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.

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  (407): im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes (1-407): i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes. http://tfl.nu/3nr6
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Don't make out with my wife yet

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  (205): Don't make out with my wife yet http://tfl.nu/oypy
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.

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  (678): My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now. http://tfl.nu/52n8
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  (979): View more from Texas

  She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..

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  (979): She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls.. http://tfl.nu/jxnm
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.

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  (248): girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing. http://tfl.nu/feuq
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.

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  (504): Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown. http://tfl.nu/w5m1
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  (813): View more from Florida

  This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.

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  (813): This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along. http://tfl.nu/9dyn
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  no.

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  (404): hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer?? (1-404): no. http://tfl.nu/c4dk
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.

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  (610): i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window. http://tfl.nu/q9w7
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.

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  (314): In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night. http://tfl.nu/bhg6
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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  (815): Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself. http://tfl.nu/xo78
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.

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  (678): I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job. http://tfl.nu/y0of
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  (914): View more from New York

  last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.

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  (914): last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever. http://tfl.nu/26l9
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand

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  (804): It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand http://tfl.nu/mvz9
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  (510): View more from California

  I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Are you high?

  (510): View more from California

  No. That's why it's odd

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  (510): I think I speak chipmunk. Odd. (702): Are you high? (510): No. That's why it's odd http://tfl.nu/ybok
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...

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  (920): once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore... http://tfl.nu/uw33
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  (818): View more from California

  Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.

  (818): View more from California

  Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.

  (818): View more from California

  And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.

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  (818): Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week. (818): Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks. (818): And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it. http://tfl.nu/ncbc
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.

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  (941): I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass. http://tfl.nu/wkll
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.

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  (503): after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success. http://tfl.nu/y8ni
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)

  (540): View more from Virginia

  awesome babe! drinks tonight!

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.

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  (703): Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :) (540): awesome babe! drinks tonight! (703): Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck. http://tfl.nu/zccd
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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  (404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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  (519): her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs http://tfl.nu/0f09
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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  (248): You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened... http://tfl.nu/unry
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.

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  (814): Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night. http://tfl.nu/e3vv
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried

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  (908): i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried http://tfl.nu/sini
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.

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  (314): You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound. http://tfl.nu/fc6l
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.

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  (270): you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it. http://tfl.nu/hzy8
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY

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  (416): that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY http://tfl.nu/vrxb
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.

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  (302): I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI. http://tfl.nu/3vpl
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  if you like me you must not know who I am

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  (248): if you like me you must not know who I am http://tfl.nu/tuge
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
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  (916): View more from California

  and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse

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  (916): and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse http://tfl.nu/0v20
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  he's a keeper

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  (570): so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours. (609): he's a keeper http://tfl.nu/09kq
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"

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  (512): Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo" http://tfl.nu/rorc
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!

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  (609): Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?! (267): This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room.. (609): AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?! http://tfl.nu/dtle
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.

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  (540): Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply. http://tfl.nu/723h
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.

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  (414): have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion. http://tfl.nu/gjm1
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  (415): View more from California

  did we hook up?

  (925): View more from California

  no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt

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  (415): did we hook up? (925): no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt http://tfl.nu/pm3u
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  (850): View more from Florida

  he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.

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  (850): he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life. http://tfl.nu/9uaw
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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  (202): I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me. http://tfl.nu/uo6c
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."

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  (703): The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am." http://tfl.nu/b7uw
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  (408): View more from California

  I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.

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  (408): I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks. http://tfl.nu/3tl8
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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  (703): okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar. (1-703): I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up? http://tfl.nu/a4zj
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.

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  (432): Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite. http://tfl.nu/cdg2
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground

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  (480): I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground http://tfl.nu/mit9
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator

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  (423): I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator http://tfl.nu/6zcj
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  (607): View more from New York

  The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.

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  (607): The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you. http://tfl.nu/2p1b
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  (940): View more from Texas

  She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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  (940): She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one. http://tfl.nu/4xsk
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

  (810): View more from Michigan

  You're 20.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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  (734): So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear. (810): You're 20. (734): IT'S BUILD A BEAR! http://tfl.nu/k2jt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference

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  (248): apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference http://tfl.nu/k6zm
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..

  (313): View more from Michigan

  I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..

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  (313): I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together.. (313): I can't decide if I actually want to know or not.. http://tfl.nu/mkwc
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I mistook a propane tank for a keg.

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  (850): I mistook a propane tank for a keg. http://tfl.nu/qvlo
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"

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  (574): apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!" http://tfl.nu/r6a4
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Whats up?

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Stay up. I'm coming home in a little

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you

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  (847): Whats up? (402): Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down (847): Stay up. I'm coming home in a little (402): Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you http://tfl.nu/2oii
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!

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  (228): I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference! http://tfl.nu/5ptk
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.

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  (403): Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius. http://tfl.nu/w17t
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  (209): View more from California

  what is college for if not random hookup sex?

  (951): View more from California

  learning.

  (209): View more from California

  i would literally fuck learning if i could.

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  (209): what is college for if not random hookup sex? (951): learning. (209): i would literally fuck learning if i could. http://tfl.nu/3rtk
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.

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  (201): somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors. http://tfl.nu/tdd7
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.

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  (724): soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices. http://tfl.nu/oyfa
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.

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  (913): he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying. http://tfl.nu/sfs9
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.

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  (859): The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know. http://tfl.nu/3jb2
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.

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  (970): I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that. http://tfl.nu/622i
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it

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  (312): i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it http://tfl.nu/tzqh
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.

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  (480): you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you. http://tfl.nu/te9w
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head

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  (617): You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head http://tfl.nu/n3kb
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  (212): View more from New York

  Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

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  (212): Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did! http://tfl.nu/gcyx
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.

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  (519): duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function. http://tfl.nu/u3j5
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  (408): View more from California

  I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.

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  (408): I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level. http://tfl.nu/k6hr
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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  (256): we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it. http://tfl.nu/bdg5
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  (212): View more from New York

  I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.

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  (212): I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew. (503): Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word. http://tfl.nu/4en3
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Sorry, I don't speak sober.

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  (613): Sorry, I don't speak sober. http://tfl.nu/dwuu
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'

  (312): View more from Illinois

  i was like PREG?

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  (312): i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?' (312): i was like PREG? http://tfl.nu/r2o4
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Becoming a productive member of society?

  (509): View more from Washington

  Sam. Come on.

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  (509): Guess what I'm doing tomorrow? (860): Becoming a productive member of society? (509): Sam. Come on. http://tfl.nu/hrkz
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  (909): View more from California

  The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.

  (1-909): View more from California

  3?

  (909): View more from California

  Me, myself and I

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  (909): The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking. (1-909): 3? (909): Me, myself and I http://tfl.nu/gl4k
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

  (1-250): View more from British Columbia

  I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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  (250): Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you. (1-250): I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this. http://tfl.nu/x6e9
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.

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  (512): I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related. http://tfl.nu/b1mq
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  (510): View more from California

  my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic

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  (510): my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic http://tfl.nu/11wq
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

  (571): View more from Virginia

  define virginity.

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  (651): Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying. (571): define virginity. http://tfl.nu/5by8
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.

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  (850): Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober. http://tfl.nu/1ay2
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I wish costco sold astroglide.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.

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  (313): I wish costco sold astroglide. (248): i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about. http://tfl.nu/mkwg
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

  (917): View more from New York City

  no it doesn't.

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  (917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere. (720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning... (917): no it doesn't. http://tfl.nu/6x89
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them

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  (609): there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them http://tfl.nu/lo0z
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.

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  (603): Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment. http://tfl.nu/y50b
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."

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  (480): So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..." http://tfl.nu/pg8j
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...

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  (434): I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either... http://tfl.nu/vddq
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  (801): View more from Utah

  i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.

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  (801): i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away. http://tfl.nu/p1dq
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  (619): View more from California

  We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants

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  (619): We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants http://tfl.nu/owqu
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.

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  (954): Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese. http://tfl.nu/zywb
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (727): View more from Florida

  im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night

  (303): View more from Colorado

  lol who won

  (727): View more from Florida

  well im in the hospital right now so u tell me

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  (727): im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night (303): lol who won (727): well im in the hospital right now so u tell me http://tfl.nu/pmtb
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  (323): View more from California

  i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.

  (818): View more from California

  she hot?

  (323): View more from California

  i don't wanna talk about it

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  (323): i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car. (818): she hot? (323): i don't wanna talk about it http://tfl.nu/ojc9
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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  (240): this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday. http://tfl.nu/pumo
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...

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  (512): Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame... http://tfl.nu/p4qb
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  (407): View more from Florida

  wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.

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  (407): wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved. http://tfl.nu/edpa
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  (+93): View more from

  woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!

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  (+93): woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge! http://tfl.nu/6tpc
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  (559): View more from California

  I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.

  (1-559): View more from California

  Yup.

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  (559): I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again. (1-559): Yup. http://tfl.nu/egb3
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.

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  (479): just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation. http://tfl.nu/5hwm
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.

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  (912): There is a distinct lack of front teeth here. http://tfl.nu/ak90
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

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  (859): make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through. http://tfl.nu/bvv7
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...

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  (703): She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story... http://tfl.nu/gdb4
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.

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  (703): No more parties with babies... I can't do that again. http://tfl.nu/7ry4
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it

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  (443): but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it http://tfl.nu/n2yq
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.

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  (480): is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state. http://tfl.nu/3rqa
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously

  (503): View more from Oregon

  you are my hero

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  (971): Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously (503): you are my hero http://tfl.nu/me35
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?

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  (337): but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp? http://tfl.nu/p1my
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  you were grabbing cocks left and right

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"

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  (808): you were grabbing cocks left and right (808): you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!" http://tfl.nu/iaqo
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window

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  (501): Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window http://tfl.nu/m081
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.

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  (703): I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight. http://tfl.nu/7bae
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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  (479): Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody. http://tfl.nu/gh8f
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  (407): View more from Florida

  She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.

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  (407): She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast. http://tfl.nu/4kxl
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  ...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..

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  (603): ...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night.. http://tfl.nu/6ino
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table

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  (330): It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table http://tfl.nu/2wbi
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.

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  (740): ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments. http://tfl.nu/bi4c
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

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  (586): apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that. http://tfl.nu/dpbh
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

  (260): View more from Indiana

  He probs deserved it.

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Every good man does.

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  (317): I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell. (260): He probs deserved it. (317): Every good man does. http://tfl.nu/4ma5
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  how high are you?

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  (336): do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos? (828): how high are you? http://tfl.nu/9z76
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home

  (419): View more from Ohio

  move.

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  (513): i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home (419): move. http://tfl.nu/91am
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  (310): View more from California

  I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.

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  (310): I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen. http://tfl.nu/puzs
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?

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  (252): Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot? http://tfl.nu/byc9
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.

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  (810): kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking. http://tfl.nu/av4y
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  (206): View more from Washington

  imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.

  (206): View more from Washington

  Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.

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  (206): imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk. (206): Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy. http://tfl.nu/ynk1
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.

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  (713): Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy. http://tfl.nu/uglu
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy

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  (248): I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy http://tfl.nu/0s17
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.

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  (248): And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills. http://tfl.nu/4uyj
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.

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  (901): I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort. http://tfl.nu/dcm6
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."

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  (403): The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention." http://tfl.nu/toh6
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Haym$ered

  (734): View more from Michigan

  turn off your phone and go to bed

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  (248): Haym$ered (734): turn off your phone and go to bed http://tfl.nu/2w37
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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  (757): He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish. http://tfl.nu/lwox
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.

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  (616): The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes. http://tfl.nu/pvjr
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  (941): View more from Florida

  She is totally STD

  (941): View more from Florida

  Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

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  (941): She is totally STD (941): Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD http://tfl.nu/ruv5
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Could a canary swim?

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Last time I ever let you pet sit.

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  (651): Could a canary swim? (952): Last time I ever let you pet sit. http://tfl.nu/tcs0
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  (281): View more from Texas

  i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

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  (281): i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets http://tfl.nu/eja8
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.

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  (508): i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer. http://tfl.nu/xz6n
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  (855): View more from

  I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?

  (855): View more from

  No. I am devastated

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  (855): I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts? (855): No. I am devastated http://tfl.nu/0cqz
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.

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  (281): I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy. http://tfl.nu/ogyk
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.

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  (215): Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come. http://tfl.nu/svxw
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy

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  (513): She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy http://tfl.nu/sgsn
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself

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  (808): I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself http://tfl.nu/wwe7
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  (214): View more from Texas

  i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"

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  (214): i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat" http://tfl.nu/yhqk
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word

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  (248): hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word http://tfl.nu/bxy9
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  how drunk are you?

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  What does that even mean anymore?

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  (612): how drunk are you? (952): What does that even mean anymore? http://tfl.nu/4vkm
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.

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  (865): And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly. http://tfl.nu/a3gz
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

  (1-931): View more from Tennessee

  Wtf? What happened?

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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  (931): Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other. (1-931): Wtf? What happened? (931): Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home. http://tfl.nu/q0zo
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  (469): View more from Texas

  You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.

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  (469): You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that. http://tfl.nu/9raa
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  (631): View more from New York

  there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.

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  (631): there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be. http://tfl.nu/ag4a
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  (323): View more from California

  I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.

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  (323): I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache. http://tfl.nu/t0k5
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  (626): View more from California

  Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.

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  (626): Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome. http://tfl.nu/kgjr
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  (305): View more from Florida

  go do what you do best...puke behind churches

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  (305): go do what you do best...puke behind churches http://tfl.nu/kmxp
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'

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  (512): I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood' http://tfl.nu/xp6j
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  ...are you coming on to me?

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  (901): I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me. (601): Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly (901): ...are you coming on to me? http://tfl.nu/90vx
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.

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  (630): You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude. http://tfl.nu/zi0k
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  (567): View more from Ohio

  I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..

  (1-567): View more from Ohio

  How so?

  (567): View more from Ohio

  Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.

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  (567): I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand.. (1-567): How so? (567): Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours. http://tfl.nu/38h3
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  (954): View more from Florida

  So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.

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  (954): So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had. http://tfl.nu/ag2c
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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  (703): so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine. http://tfl.nu/s4y5
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?

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  (971): the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together? http://tfl.nu/xjvt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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  (732): you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy." http://tfl.nu/a1we
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake

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  (816): yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake http://tfl.nu/gu5i
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  (310): View more from California

  i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"

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  (310): i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto" http://tfl.nu/o359
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  (310): View more from California

  YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!

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  (310): YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??! http://tfl.nu/ltdu
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  (214): View more from Texas

  come over

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  yeah sure

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10

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  (214): come over (1-214): yeah sure (1-214): wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/qceh
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?

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  (504): He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird? http://tfl.nu/yuh6
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

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  (413): i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung http://tfl.nu/rtj3
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.

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  (630): I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting. http://tfl.nu/uotz
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.

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  (248): he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast. http://tfl.nu/sg9r
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

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  (610): I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace. http://tfl.nu/hmhd
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?

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  (908): Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable? http://tfl.nu/mn26
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  (925): View more from California

  First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.

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  (925): First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so. http://tfl.nu/lvgi
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  (817): View more from Texas

  What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

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  (817): What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"? http://tfl.nu/9rca
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.

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  (717): Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag. http://tfl.nu/8k5h
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  (909): View more from California

  grandma shit on top of the toilet

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  (909): grandma shit on top of the toilet http://tfl.nu/v03m
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously

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  (440): he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously http://tfl.nu/mrdz
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.

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  (412): im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again. http://tfl.nu/heac
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5

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  (352): I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5 http://tfl.nu/tk6f
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

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  (860): The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one http://tfl.nu/gt0t
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

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  (541): You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining http://tfl.nu/2n0l
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  (254): View more from Texas

  Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced

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  (254): Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced http://tfl.nu/tkdm
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen

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  (630): True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen http://tfl.nu/yx2l
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.

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  (630): You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem. http://tfl.nu/xqri
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  but she's really nice

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  (301): She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds. (301): but she's really nice http://tfl.nu/144l
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

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  (647): Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party http://tfl.nu/47pk
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?

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  (613): Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making? http://tfl.nu/bys4
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope

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  (301): You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope http://tfl.nu/v6u5
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her

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  (416): I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her http://tfl.nu/l0xk
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.

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  (806): Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day. http://tfl.nu/6xwz
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone

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  (215): some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone http://tfl.nu/uc8d
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..

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  (248): She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls.. http://tfl.nu/aren
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on

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  (970): And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on http://tfl.nu/lu1l
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.

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  (847): You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more. http://tfl.nu/i4ry
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  (805): View more from California

  at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.

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  (805): at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle. http://tfl.nu/34ph
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I only kidnapped one of them. chill

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  (205): I only kidnapped one of them. chill http://tfl.nu/ogw5
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.

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  (405): you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend. http://tfl.nu/xacy
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.

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  (570): so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party. http://tfl.nu/bja2
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.

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  (503): At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit. http://tfl.nu/01u9
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

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  (919): I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx. http://tfl.nu/hq1e
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"

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  (407): I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!" http://tfl.nu/fhku
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later

  (410): View more from Maryland

  I knew I liked you

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  (202): I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later (410): I knew I liked you http://tfl.nu/yvq5
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"

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  (417): You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!" http://tfl.nu/8q6j
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  (909): View more from California

  I just didn't expect you to be so naked....

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  (909): I just didn't expect you to be so naked.... http://tfl.nu/rjbc
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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  (870): I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible". http://tfl.nu/e3k3
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  (716): View more from New York

  Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.

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  (716): Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time. http://tfl.nu/ytyv
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

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  (612): I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement. http://tfl.nu/3cr8
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?

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  (907): is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk? http://tfl.nu/2ehj
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Dude she let me cum on her face

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning

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  (843): Dude she let me cum on her face (1-843): You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning http://tfl.nu/f5g3
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

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  (807): I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina. http://tfl.nu/rpnu
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!

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  (405): I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh! http://tfl.nu/nhcn
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded

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  (586): Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded http://tfl.nu/ytab
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it

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  (416): but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it http://tfl.nu/djus
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"

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  (517): I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice" http://tfl.nu/f86r
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  Every day of my life.

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  (513): Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer? (1-513): Every day of my life. http://tfl.nu/2brt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.

  (613): View more from Ontario

  This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?

  (613): View more from Ontario

  Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.

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  (613): There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared. (613): This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea? (613): Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win. http://tfl.nu/1a5o
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?

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  (203): these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw? http://tfl.nu/m5nm
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.

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  (610): the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing. http://tfl.nu/gyso
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Little spoons don't ask big questions

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  (330): Little spoons don't ask big questions http://tfl.nu/13tl
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  There's a dead frog in my kitchen?

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"

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  (828): There's a dead frog in my kitchen? (402): Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush. (402): The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all" http://tfl.nu/9htk
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.

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  (678): Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again. http://tfl.nu/y1d0
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Ben's a prick.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  What Ben are you talking about?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  All the bens across all the lands

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  (404): Ben's a prick. (1-404): What Ben are you talking about? (404): All the bens across all the lands http://tfl.nu/b5yr
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night

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  (603): i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening (508): yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night http://tfl.nu/fae5
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  (850): View more from Florida

  the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  that makes sense.

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  (850): the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you... (1-850): that makes sense. http://tfl.nu/5jmk
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  (631): View more from New York

  i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture

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  (631): i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture http://tfl.nu/o7a7
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.

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  (810): I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans. http://tfl.nu/8mn2
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

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  (856): I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch. http://tfl.nu/64iu
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  (310): View more from California

  ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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  (310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude. http://tfl.nu/5a88
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.

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  (636): Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date. http://tfl.nu/58hu
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud

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  (330): So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud http://tfl.nu/jb23
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.

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  (708): just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay. http://tfl.nu/cdim
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma

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  (513): He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma http://tfl.nu/x4vk
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.

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  (440): We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night. http://tfl.nu/4khi
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  ..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.

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  (248): ..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe. http://tfl.nu/gys8
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit

  (1-901): View more from Tennessee

  no

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE

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  (901): pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit (1-901): no (901): the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table (901): im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE http://tfl.nu/q3wo
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  (858): View more from California

  I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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  (858): I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way. http://tfl.nu/w85x
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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  (267): After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest http://tfl.nu/54ul
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

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  (724): I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard. http://tfl.nu/gkmc
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up

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  (617): you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up http://tfl.nu/71wz
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.

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  (515): you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/cw9o
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.

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  (301): you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop. http://tfl.nu/0o9n
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  (559): View more from California

  you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you

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  (559): you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you http://tfl.nu/hdb5
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  (360): View more from Washington

  did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.

  (425): View more from Washington

  some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.

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  (360): did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends. (425): some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate. http://tfl.nu/ohwc
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.

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  (+61): yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status. http://tfl.nu/4c5v
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

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  (907): the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops http://tfl.nu/07bg
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it

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  (765): you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it http://tfl.nu/18g9
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.

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  (218): I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted. http://tfl.nu/x30k
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  (585): View more from New York

  I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine

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  (585): I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine http://tfl.nu/d7kh
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.

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  (651): if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call. http://tfl.nu/9x5y
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?

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  (617): how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night? http://tfl.nu/7t3i
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  whatd she say to you?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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  (256): my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table (1-256): whatd she say to you? (256): no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle http://tfl.nu/mg7u
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.

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  (910): easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do. http://tfl.nu/l4k4
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome

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  (612): adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome http://tfl.nu/w0f6
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  (516): View more from New York

  he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.

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  (516): he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time. http://tfl.nu/8o43
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat

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  (615): i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat http://tfl.nu/x2jk
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.

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  (630): i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons. http://tfl.nu/sim9
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"

  (1-478): View more from Georgia

  And thats what homeschooling is for

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  (478): I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!" (1-478): And thats what homeschooling is for http://tfl.nu/vl1o
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.

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  (678): This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes. http://tfl.nu/jrvg
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language

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  (905): Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language http://tfl.nu/v1ob
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  (386): View more from Florida

  you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt

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  (386): you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt http://tfl.nu/6l3r
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...

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  (713): I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you... http://tfl.nu/rwlo
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.

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  (517): I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher. http://tfl.nu/b9fx
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  (951): View more from California

  Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".

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  (951): Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try". http://tfl.nu/107g
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  (925): View more from California

  dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning

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  (925): dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning http://tfl.nu/k939
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  you were so drunk you slurred your pauses

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  (440): you were so drunk you slurred your pauses http://tfl.nu/u543
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  (212): View more from New York

  where am i from again

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  (212): where am i from again http://tfl.nu/9ocs
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.

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  (407): Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer. http://tfl.nu/hnl7
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  (925): View more from California

  I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker

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  (925): I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker http://tfl.nu/8x3j
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

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  (314): My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF? http://tfl.nu/cban
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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  (775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk. (504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera. http://tfl.nu/hakn
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  (425): View more from Washington

  ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.

  (206): View more from Washington

  High?

  (425): View more from Washington

  hahahahaha turkey breast

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  (425): ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector. (206): High? (425): hahahahaha turkey breast http://tfl.nu/8hm7
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012

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  (217): you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012 http://tfl.nu/jiqa
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  (845): View more from New York

  People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk

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  (845): People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk http://tfl.nu/qmhf
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  (650): View more from California

  I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.

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  (650): I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world. http://tfl.nu/egr4
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.

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  (856): Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks. http://tfl.nu/z00s
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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  (251): you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you http://tfl.nu/7a0u
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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  (703): I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense http://tfl.nu/aaqg
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.

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  (256): he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed. http://tfl.nu/1iir
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

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  (612): I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical http://tfl.nu/u7u5
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.

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  (610): NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS. http://tfl.nu/4d7u
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events

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  (586): I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events http://tfl.nu/1mgv
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

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  (765): I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart. http://tfl.nu/xlbc
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  (213): View more from California

  Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.

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  (213): Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train. http://tfl.nu/ldtk
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

  (703): View more from Virginia

  and miss being on the news....no way

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  (571): next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave (703): and miss being on the news....no way http://tfl.nu/gtrx
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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  (303): I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder. http://tfl.nu/f12p
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  (925): View more from California

  so explain again why im purple

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  no

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  (925): so explain again why im purple (617): no http://tfl.nu/yipi
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.

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  (417): on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there. http://tfl.nu/xvnw
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.

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  (206): Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story. http://tfl.nu/xxuj
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  you alive?

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin

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  (905): you alive? (1-905): ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin http://tfl.nu/15wq
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"

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  (304): my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos" http://tfl.nu/exf3
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.

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  (775): somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car. http://tfl.nu/3f74
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.

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  (734): I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire. http://tfl.nu/kkrz
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

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  (414): and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you. http://tfl.nu/lmfo
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

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  (515): Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy. http://tfl.nu/x9uw
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  (707): View more from California

  I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.

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  (707): I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours. http://tfl.nu/vd0x
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  hows the party?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ists fjcssing insceredle

  (913): View more from Kansas

  be there in 10

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  (913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz
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  (650): View more from California

  on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.

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  (650): on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag. http://tfl.nu/s17l
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

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  (717): i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened http://tfl.nu/tpah
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around

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  (201): i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around http://tfl.nu/2geo
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.

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  (702): the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral. http://tfl.nu/20j6
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it

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  (313): That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it http://tfl.nu/c5zl
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  (845): View more from New York

  You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.

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  (845): You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you. http://tfl.nu/t7go
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  (214): View more from Texas

  didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.

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  (214): didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping. http://tfl.nu/hx4w
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i dont even know how to be here

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  (973): i dont even know how to be here http://tfl.nu/mwy9
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???

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  (970): Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas??? http://tfl.nu/mb80
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.

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  (912): you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet. (919): That explains the puddle of pee in my closet. http://tfl.nu/tfvg
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy

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  (614): see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy http://tfl.nu/v81p
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

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  (702): Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar? (1-702): You told us you forgot how, and started to cry. http://tfl.nu/t675
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?

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  (609): so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me? http://tfl.nu/3dvn
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  (817): View more from Texas

  yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing

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  (817): yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing http://tfl.nu/i2gp
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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  (630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.

  (1-936): View more from Texas

  Can I eat your pillow?

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  (936): Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow. (1-936): Can I eat your pillow? http://tfl.nu/ozwu
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

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  (512): I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila. http://tfl.nu/7qws
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  (916): View more from California

  He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics

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  (916): He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics http://tfl.nu/21qy
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

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  (918): i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/hs1z
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.

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  (540): I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen. http://tfl.nu/c2d0
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

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  (440): it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time. http://tfl.nu/xax0
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  (619): View more from California

  do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.

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  (619): do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big. http://tfl.nu/tgfw
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  (713): View more from Texas

  yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.

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  (713): yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome. http://tfl.nu/dlc1
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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  (816): You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!" http://tfl.nu/vlcz
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.

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  (832): i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week. http://tfl.nu/mv1q
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together

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  (480): U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together http://tfl.nu/9vec
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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  (709): She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship. http://tfl.nu/de5k
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out

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  (304): tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out http://tfl.nu/97pi
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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  (971): So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully" http://tfl.nu/lw3x
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.

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  (412): Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets. http://tfl.nu/agl3
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.

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  (240): woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again. http://tfl.nu/b9n0
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Do you want the good news or bad news first?

  (678): View more from Georgia

  bad news

  (205): View more from Alabama

  The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.

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  (205): Do you want the good news or bad news first? (678): bad news (205): The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos. http://tfl.nu/6wx8
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  (721): View more from

  That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  omg, i know.

  (721): View more from

  we're too high.

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  (721): That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure. (703): omg, i know. (721): we're too high. http://tfl.nu/fbyr
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"

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  (270): At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back" http://tfl.nu/lhve
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?

  (1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Only if they know about it too.

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  (780): Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room? (1-780): Only if they know about it too. http://tfl.nu/fxqr
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...

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  (330): When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward... http://tfl.nu/3xfe
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.

  (1-416): View more from Ontario

  u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u

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  (416): I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck. (1-416): u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u http://tfl.nu/rica
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.

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  (239): Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread. http://tfl.nu/62jg
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  (408): View more from California

  um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.

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  (408): um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend. http://tfl.nu/849c
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"

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  (570): so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses" http://tfl.nu/fgtz
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters

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  (240): you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters http://tfl.nu/0u7p
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