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I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Redeem this text for a blowjob
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my sisters under your porch take her home
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
sarcasm needs its own font
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
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