rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
