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the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I fill condoms, not promises.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
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