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We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm really into asian looking animals
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I forgot how hot balto sounded
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?
Cause it just destroys penises
Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Non-Jews are for practice
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
your thong is hanging out like whoa
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
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