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She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Operation Purity has been aborted
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
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