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Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
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