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So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
sarcasm needs its own font
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
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