Texts From Last Night · ItsB's Favorites

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(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

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(816): Where'd you guys get the alcohol from? (1-816): Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower. (816): ...... wtf. http://tfl.nu/k9gx

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(404): View more from Georgia

My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.

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(404): My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/ev36

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(410): View more from Maryland

This is evicking siegelnvs

(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry?

(410): View more from Maryland

This is fucking ridiculous*

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(410): This is evicking siegelnvs (443): Im sorry? (410): This is fucking ridiculous* http://tfl.nu/9l7k

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(303): It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence. http://tfl.nu/6jog

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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(204): I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?" (1-204): you are both the best and worst wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/2hl0

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(304): He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight. http://tfl.nu/5vdu

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

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(303): He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool. http://tfl.nu/8q12

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.

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(814): No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me. http://tfl.nu/k4yz

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(972): View more from Texas

You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

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(972): You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.' http://tfl.nu/1grt

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(913): sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train. http://tfl.nu/vfk6

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(386): View more from Florida

The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance

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(386): The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance http://tfl.nu/iqmo

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(661): aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet (623): And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs (661): Exactly. http://tfl.nu/5o7t

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(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

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(203): are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid? (203): bc i get to see you. naked. http://tfl.nu/db7h

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

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(201): Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is. http://tfl.nu/gvpy

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(905): i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers. http://tfl.nu/1i45

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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(+61): I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude. http://tfl.nu/5t8b

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.

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(630): Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me. http://tfl.nu/4ss8

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(+82): View more from South Korea

You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

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(+82): You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes. http://tfl.nu/6vdw

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(908): Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic. http://tfl.nu/hh2b

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(352): View more from Florida

Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.

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(352): Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover. http://tfl.nu/82ke

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(269): He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better. http://tfl.nu/o020

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(714): View more from California

Ikea night.

(949): View more from California

?

(714): View more from California

Insert tab A into swedish slot B

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(714): Ikea night. (949): ? (714): Insert tab A into swedish slot B http://tfl.nu/q7ph

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(740): View more from Ohio

the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless

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(740): the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless http://tfl.nu/zvzp

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(914): View more from New York

After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!

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(914): After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT! http://tfl.nu/umoe

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.

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(908): Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution. http://tfl.nu/ms1p

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin

(914): View more from New York

and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston

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(201): you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin (914): and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston http://tfl.nu/bnxc

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(561): View more from Florida

i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM

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(561): i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM http://tfl.nu/acmo

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(630): My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock. http://tfl.nu/njgo

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.

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(706): Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully. http://tfl.nu/qn1h

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(509): View more from Washington

He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.

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(509): He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother. http://tfl.nu/97xz

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking

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(321): Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking http://tfl.nu/fefy

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(203): Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday? (1-203): Good morning to you http://tfl.nu/rc7c

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(530): I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight. (1-530): fuck. you. http://tfl.nu/1kgv

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(949): View more from California

The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

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(949): The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women. http://tfl.nu/zhxo

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(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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(518): she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going. http://tfl.nu/q9ws

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(615): View more from Tennessee

of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits

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(615): of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits http://tfl.nu/a8zr

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a beautiful day for a hangover

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(215): It's a beautiful day for a hangover http://tfl.nu/x1e7

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(248): View more from Michigan

You up for the gym tonight after work?

(734): View more from Michigan

I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.

(248): View more from Michigan

Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.

(734): View more from Michigan

Chris Brown style, or less felonious?

(248): View more from Michigan

Haha, all felonious.

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(248) You up for the gym tonight after work? (734): I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog. (248): Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today. (734): Chris Brown style, or less felonious? (248): Haha, all felonious. http://tfl.nu/kj7p

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(516): View more from New York

You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.

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(516): You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit. http://tfl.nu/xfz2

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?

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(617): WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL? http://tfl.nu/2onf

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(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

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(317): my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive http://tfl.nu/067t

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(334): View more from Alabama

This hangover is way worse than all my relationships

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(334): This hangover is way worse than all my relationships http://tfl.nu/m3xj

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(718): what happened last night? (917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style (718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left http://tfl.nu/i3a9

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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(850): Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos. http://tfl.nu/15bf

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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(412): For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early http://tfl.nu/4ftf

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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(203): i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german. http://tfl.nu/cfoz

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(381): View more from

I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.

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(381): I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore. http://tfl.nu/l0iw

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(402): yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic (1-402): i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities. http://tfl.nu/psst

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(404): I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do. http://tfl.nu/0i65

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(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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(804): finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets. http://tfl.nu/gp9t

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(636): View more from Missouri

I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public

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(636): I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public http://tfl.nu/ux7y

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(843): Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place http://tfl.nu/sgjx

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(208): why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never. http://tfl.nu/g58g

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(810): can I come stay the night (217): yeah, but no sex tonight (810): I'll stay home http://tfl.nu/tu8g

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot

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(860): I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot http://tfl.nu/l7sq

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

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(304): But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game http://tfl.nu/osln

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(208): View more from Idaho

On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?

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(208): On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you? http://tfl.nu/5voi

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(251): View more from Alabama

Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.

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(251): Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again. http://tfl.nu/n3jw

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(416): View more from Ontario

we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance

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(416): we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance http://tfl.nu/wkwu

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(908): View more from New Jersey

we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours

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(908): we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours http://tfl.nu/0by6

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(321): Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot. (1-321): he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn. (321): no his phone, idiot. http://tfl.nu/beyf

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(301): View more from Maryland

Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today

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(301): Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today http://tfl.nu/gkj4

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(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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(661): He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina. http://tfl.nu/ay3j

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(847): he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad? (952): You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him.... http://tfl.nu/ht91

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.

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(405): I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny. http://tfl.nu/uleh

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(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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(757): you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse' http://tfl.nu/umk4

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0

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(248): View more from Michigan

You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Who?

(248): View more from Michigan

Chris brown

(1-248): View more from Michigan

No way... I bet he was intense

(248): View more from Michigan

Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two

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(248): You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to.. (1-248): Who? (248): Chris brown (1-248): No way... I bet he was intense (248): Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two http://tfl.nu/q7w2

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(502): View more from Kentucky

WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!

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(502): WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?! http://tfl.nu/ajcv

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(310): View more from California

I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.

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(310): I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you. http://tfl.nu/ohi7

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(303): his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy http://tfl.nu/u5b8

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

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(224): Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like. http://tfl.nu/j59v

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(707): he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?" http://tfl.nu/pefr

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(858): Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch http://tfl.nu/zban

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(260): Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens. http://tfl.nu/pxin

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(989): dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away http://tfl.nu/dlah

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(316): when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre http://tfl.nu/3hgx

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(905): View more from Ontario

Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech

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(905): Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech http://tfl.nu/je9d

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.

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(215): I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days. http://tfl.nu/h5el

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(714): View more from California

We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

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(714): We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her http://tfl.nu/ekrz

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(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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(904): he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up http://tfl.nu/1mju

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(541): View more from Oregon

This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.

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(541): This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors. http://tfl.nu/qolh

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(205): View more from Alabama

When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'

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(205): When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life' http://tfl.nu/863e

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.

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(513): i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom. http://tfl.nu/yu7b

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?

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(203): He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him? http://tfl.nu/bxd1

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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(203): Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that. http://tfl.nu/1tq2

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(708): You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half. http://tfl.nu/enxi

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(816): Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you" http://tfl.nu/hln2

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(714): View more from California

i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick

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(714): i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick http://tfl.nu/4tuf

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(816): dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock... (1-816): Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings. (816): that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it. http://tfl.nu/66g0

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride http://tfl.nu/4fyt

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

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(336): Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me. http://tfl.nu/79qg

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(408): View more from California

um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.

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(408): um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend. http://tfl.nu/849c

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(281): Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle. http://tfl.nu/lbmt

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(813): so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw http://tfl.nu/9zj1

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(301): Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover. http://tfl.nu/klzl

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(317): View more from Indiana

I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.

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(317): I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account. http://tfl.nu/ui6k

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(661): View more from California

this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.

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(661): this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date. http://tfl.nu/1wwe

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(713): when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed http://tfl.nu/1ijl

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??

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(732): Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen?? http://tfl.nu/vnhk

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(765): He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder. http://tfl.nu/7khc

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

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(865): Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store? http://tfl.nu/4sw9

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(310): View more from California

I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

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(310): I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet. http://tfl.nu/z51s

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(716): View more from New York

He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.

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(716): He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER. http://tfl.nu/jf69

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

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(902): My brain says no but my pants say off. http://tfl.nu/syce

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(219): View more from Indiana

Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.

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(219): Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream. http://tfl.nu/v6je

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(925): View more from California

Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.

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(925): Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen. http://tfl.nu/fkde

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(571): next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave (703): and miss being on the news....no way http://tfl.nu/gtrx

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(818): he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came (323): i love that song! (818): NOT THE POINT http://tfl.nu/7i6t

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

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(810): I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future. http://tfl.nu/04uk

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(240): today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal http://tfl.nu/c4vg

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(208): View more from Idaho

She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.

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(208): She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again. http://tfl.nu/3vjv

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj

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(813): View more from Florida

There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it

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(813): There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it http://tfl.nu/xcmh

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(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

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(425): Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack. http://tfl.nu/ptag

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(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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(517): My own mom unfriended me on Facebook. http://tfl.nu/a468

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(217): you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out http://tfl.nu/t2x9

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(561): View more from Florida

This dress was meant to end up on your floor

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(561): This dress was meant to end up on your floor http://tfl.nu/t8yv

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(740): View more from Ohio

Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does

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(740): Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does http://tfl.nu/kyc4

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(602): View more from Arizona

hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad

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(602): hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad http://tfl.nu/sh9o

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face

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(630): Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face http://tfl.nu/tdg0

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.

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(732): I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something. http://tfl.nu/rxn8

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(404): View more from Georgia

Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!

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(404): Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food! http://tfl.nu/vzr5

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(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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(650): Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day) http://tfl.nu/fh88

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw

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(734): View more from Michigan

Wish you were here....

(734): View more from Michigan

And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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(734): Wish you were here.... (734): And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it? http://tfl.nu/j5nc

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(214): he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true' http://tfl.nu/1kz1

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!

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(978): so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole! http://tfl.nu/ivhw

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(716): View more from New York

why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross

(860): View more from Connecticut

its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary

(716): View more from New York

i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal

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(716): why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross (860): its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary (716): i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal http://tfl.nu/td08

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

ugh. my soul tastes like vodka

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(774): ugh. my soul tastes like vodka http://tfl.nu/d0v0

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(514): View more from Quebec

i'm home, then i'll come over

(1-514): View more from Quebec

ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa

(514): View more from Quebec

nvm.

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(514): i'm home, then i'll come over (1-514): ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa (514): nvm. http://tfl.nu/kqkd

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(517): View more from Michigan

he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.

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(517): he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there. http://tfl.nu/pbyg

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(512): View more from Texas

Did yall have sex?

(214): View more from Texas

Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?

(512): View more from Texas

Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen

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(512): Did yall have sex? (214): Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count? (512): Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen http://tfl.nu/ro48

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(802): View more from Vermont

i can juggle bunnies

(1-802): View more from Vermont

cool

(802): View more from Vermont

on fire

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(802): i can juggle bunnies (1-802): cool (802): on fire http://tfl.nu/wqba

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(319): View more from Iowa

In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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(319): In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums. http://tfl.nu/weac

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(703): Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches... http://tfl.nu/6ywp

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(206): View more from Washington

Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection

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(206): Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection http://tfl.nu/mgca

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(706): View more from Georgia

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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(706): don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me. http://tfl.nu/kxxf

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(1-415): View more from California

What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?

(415): View more from California

Irish Spring?

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(1-415): What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey? (415): Irish Spring? http://tfl.nu/ebnx

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(816): View more from Missouri

I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.

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(816): I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book. http://tfl.nu/rwum

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(203): Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet. http://tfl.nu/z4ao

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."

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(412): I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people." http://tfl.nu/j747

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(816): Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe http://tfl.nu/ye00

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

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(610): terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions. (1-610): who'd you have sex with. http://tfl.nu/97tl

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(816): View more from Missouri

is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex

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(816): is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex http://tfl.nu/zw16

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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(203): we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing http://tfl.nu/99kd

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(847): I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note. http://tfl.nu/4rpl

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

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(732): I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.' http://tfl.nu/iq97

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(951): View more from California

I didn't know people actually cried after sex.

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(951): I didn't know people actually cried after sex. http://tfl.nu/mss1

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(301): View more from Maryland

you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.

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(301): you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens. http://tfl.nu/fm3u

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(613): View more from Ontario

Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair

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(613): Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair http://tfl.nu/oa8m

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(248): Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls. (1-248): That's the best idea I've heard all day. http://tfl.nu/w1qi

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(561): View more from Florida

george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

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(561): george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it. http://tfl.nu/x2j0

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(360): he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them http://tfl.nu/8aam

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(910): View more from North Carolina

And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.

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(910): And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship. http://tfl.nu/btcq

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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(608): I just snuked. Sneezed and puked http://tfl.nu/izkl

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist http://tfl.nu/hzre

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn

(952): View more from Minnesota

what?

(612): View more from Minnesota

i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn

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(612): i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn (952): what? (612): i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn http://tfl.nu/vdma

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(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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(713): on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left http://tfl.nu/gb7d

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(209): View more from California

this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.

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(209): this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not. http://tfl.nu/74g7

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(516): View more from New York

Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.

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(516): Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke. http://tfl.nu/6p0l

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(519): View more from Ontario

and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.

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(519): and by charming I mean he has a horse cock. http://tfl.nu/nr21

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(248): If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme. http://tfl.nu/8vj2

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(916): She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad http://tfl.nu/bnzk

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.

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(630): Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best. http://tfl.nu/ljti

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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(336): you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them http://tfl.nu/fxdr

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

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(612): I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm http://tfl.nu/twuk

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(631): View more from New York

It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

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(631): It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom. http://tfl.nu/aix7

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(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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(905): i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night http://tfl.nu/m366

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(304): You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me. http://tfl.nu/fshf

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors

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(610): aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors http://tfl.nu/o36o

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(812): View more from Indiana

We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.

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(812): We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed. http://tfl.nu/r8jj

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

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(412): I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more. (1-412): You make your fellow Jews happy. http://tfl.nu/gpio

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(970): I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it. http://tfl.nu/8hng

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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(508): I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation? http://tfl.nu/jmz5

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(416): View more from Toronto

He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

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(416): He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high. http://tfl.nu/zw5l

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(716): Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?! http://tfl.nu/vv8e

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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(225): Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas http://tfl.nu/fkrh

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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(513): Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch. http://tfl.nu/dpne

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(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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(630): We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed. http://tfl.nu/qpmm

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me". http://tfl.nu/jl9f

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(317): and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way http://tfl.nu/pn6a

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(716): as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack. (1-716): momma always taught us never to change for a boy.. http://tfl.nu/3cjy

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(913): Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat. (1-913): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/imen

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd

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(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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(416): Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck. http://tfl.nu/lba2

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(573): View more from Missouri

My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.

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(573): My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly. http://tfl.nu/go2x

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.

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(847): I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking. http://tfl.nu/ou65

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(520): View more from Arizona

Clearly I made an impression.

(404): View more from Georgia

Or at least your vagina did.

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(520): Clearly I made an impression. (404): Or at least your vagina did. http://tfl.nu/bank

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(709): She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship. http://tfl.nu/de5k

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(808): Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy" http://tfl.nu/zdbd

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(585): He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius. http://tfl.nu/hqjt

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(269): View more from Michigan

I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

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(269): I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck. http://tfl.nu/534s

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(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

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(609): One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em. http://tfl.nu/70jy

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

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(512): Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas http://tfl.nu/5abk

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(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

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(740): He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over http://tfl.nu/br0o

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(760): For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad". http://tfl.nu/gpn1

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(360): View more from Washington

It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.

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(360): It feels like Jesse James cheated on America. http://tfl.nu/twcl

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(416): the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night http://tfl.nu/0qnk

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long

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(717): dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long http://tfl.nu/r5ag

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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(931): Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex. http://tfl.nu/p49h

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(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

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(936): he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him. (812): and...? (936): I told him it was alright. http://tfl.nu/yirn

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(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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(847): you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life. http://tfl.nu/71wd

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way" http://tfl.nu/86gt

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(443): View more from Maryland

You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

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(443): You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault." http://tfl.nu/r5ek

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(614): View more from Ohio

If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.

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(614): If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold. http://tfl.nu/55cb

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(310): So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he. http://tfl.nu/52vb

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe

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(203): View more from Connecticut

spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow

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(203): spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow http://tfl.nu/sj2l

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(425): It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo." http://tfl.nu/u5wa

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(219): View more from Indiana

NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

(1-219): View more from Indiana

wow.

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(219): NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh (1-219): wow. http://tfl.nu/be02

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(714): I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it? (949): I gave it to your brother to give to you. http://tfl.nu/fwxt

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(802): View more from Vermont

I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.

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(802): I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends. http://tfl.nu/oh1c

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(215): these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real http://tfl.nu/vc07

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience

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(603): i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience http://tfl.nu/wb3q

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(432): View more from Texas

My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT

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(432): My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT http://tfl.nu/ckt8

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(214): View more from Texas

call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight

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(214): call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight http://tfl.nu/wfsk

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(574): View more from Indiana

i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come

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(574): i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come http://tfl.nu/d7fm

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(301): View more from Maryland

chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.

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(301): chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING. http://tfl.nu/oa1d

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.

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(715): just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever. http://tfl.nu/r25i

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(601): View more from Mississippi

your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...

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(601): your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible... http://tfl.nu/v1vf

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(432): View more from Texas

Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.

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(432): Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite. http://tfl.nu/cdg2

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(908): did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp. http://tfl.nu/a6do

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...

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(715): she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over... http://tfl.nu/jqzz

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

she sounds like chewbacca in bed

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(978): she sounds like chewbacca in bed http://tfl.nu/5g24

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(850): View more from Florida

i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook

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(850): i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook http://tfl.nu/q3m5

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(330): View more from Ohio

The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.

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(330): The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31. http://tfl.nu/ugns

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(641): Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout. http://tfl.nu/rilo

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(619): Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes. http://tfl.nu/4wgk

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class

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(865): Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class http://tfl.nu/v047

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.

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(503): I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks. http://tfl.nu/i5e8

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?

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(215): Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence? http://tfl.nu/hkha

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.

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(401): I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me. http://tfl.nu/vovs

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(734): View more from Michigan

she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story

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(734): she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story http://tfl.nu/o2hn

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(208): View more from Idaho

the day after is always just damage control

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(208): the day after is always just damage control http://tfl.nu/ugvq

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub

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(709): you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub http://tfl.nu/5cjl

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.

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(715): I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed. http://tfl.nu/mebd

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(303): View more from Colorado

hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

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(303): hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen" http://tfl.nu/6cx3

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(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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(512): you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried http://tfl.nu/gu6n

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(217): View more from Illinois

You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk

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(217): You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk http://tfl.nu/jf67

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(510): View more from California

You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying

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(510): You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying http://tfl.nu/xlhu

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Girls should come with a carfax report

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(910): Girls should come with a carfax report http://tfl.nu/ithx

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight

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(847): I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight http://tfl.nu/h3vp

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(360): View more from Washington

afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.

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(360): afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep. http://tfl.nu/xylt

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(937): View more from Ohio

he is so annoying

(513): View more from Ohio

so stop sleeping with him

(937): View more from Ohio

yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk

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(937): he is so annoying (513): so stop sleeping with him (937): yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk http://tfl.nu/y8qk

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(847): View more from Illinois

She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.

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(847): She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses. http://tfl.nu/wrem

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(979): View more from Texas

Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?

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(979): Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"? http://tfl.nu/w79j

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.

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(484): You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy. http://tfl.nu/h40g

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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(270): Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend. http://tfl.nu/ihwe

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(415): View more from California

The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.

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(415): The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight. http://tfl.nu/rmxq

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right http://tfl.nu/htd0

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?

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(715): so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game? http://tfl.nu/evbk

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(313): View more from Michigan

These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work

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(313): These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work http://tfl.nu/lrs5

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(718): View more from New York

we need to drink 2009 down the drain

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(718): we need to drink 2009 down the drain http://tfl.nu/q0df

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.

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(630): I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting. http://tfl.nu/uotz

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(229): View more from Georgia

New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.

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(229): New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents. http://tfl.nu/bhqx

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(561): View more from Florida

I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."

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(561): I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday." http://tfl.nu/kc3i

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(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

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(540): I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it. http://tfl.nu/dv65

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.

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(865): Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010. http://tfl.nu/w6c7

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(239): View more from Florida

I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking

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(239): I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking http://tfl.nu/yxe4

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(763): View more from Minnesota

We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."

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(763): We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms." http://tfl.nu/x5sd

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(812): View more from Indiana

i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.

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(812): i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy. http://tfl.nu/2x1u

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.

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(413): Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/3v3s

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(204): View more from Manitoba

you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"

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(204): you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun" http://tfl.nu/u1ro

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested

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(704): I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested http://tfl.nu/mffy

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(954): View more from Florida

I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."

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(954): I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers." http://tfl.nu/vnij

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(404): View more from Georgia

to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy

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(404): to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy http://tfl.nu/vv9t

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?

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(412): do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister? http://tfl.nu/on91

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa

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(601): You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa http://tfl.nu/lg9x

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(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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(917): she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could. http://tfl.nu/cj4q

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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(732): He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it. http://tfl.nu/hjdx

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.

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(732): I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents. http://tfl.nu/w4fz

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(702): View more from Nevada

i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.

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(702): i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again. http://tfl.nu/kiui

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(404): View more from Georgia

My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."

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(404): My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America." http://tfl.nu/2jbp

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(703): View more from Virginia

he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2

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(703): he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2 http://tfl.nu/k675

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(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

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(605): you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out? http://tfl.nu/fgrz

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"

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(401): so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now" http://tfl.nu/ut9w

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(207): View more from Maine

She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.

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(207): She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird. http://tfl.nu/49lo

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.

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(704): i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand. http://tfl.nu/a9f5

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm on page 4.

(678): View more from Georgia

Im on beer infinity

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(706): I'm on page 4. (678): Im on beer infinity http://tfl.nu/an89

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(732): you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy." http://tfl.nu/a1we

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(618): View more from Illinois

remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back

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(618): remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back http://tfl.nu/7hrx

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.

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(401): Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified. http://tfl.nu/2va0

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(617): shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick http://tfl.nu/i68n

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(903): Today in psych we learned that you are a whore. (1-314): Me specifically? (903): Yep. http://tfl.nu/w818

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(816): I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since. http://tfl.nu/s9zv

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face

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(860): Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face http://tfl.nu/cojx

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(516): View more from New York

I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.

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(516): I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life. http://tfl.nu/0sjl

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(231): View more from Michigan

bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.

(517): View more from Michigan

Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.

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(231): bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this. (517): Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one. http://tfl.nu/v0gx

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(310): View more from California

so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

(818): View more from California

by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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(310): so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA? (818): by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ http://tfl.nu/5i2r

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.

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(859): Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right. http://tfl.nu/hrwa

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(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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(407): sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch. http://tfl.nu/v1iz

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'd give my left nut to see you

(609): View more from New Jersey

don't do that. I like the set

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(724): I'd give my left nut to see you (609): don't do that. I like the set http://tfl.nu/41nb

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're such a slut.

(318): View more from Louisiana

I prefer opportunist.

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(773): You're such a slut. (318): I prefer opportunist. http://tfl.nu/49c1

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.

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(715): I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one. http://tfl.nu/ogtf

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(703): View more from Virginia

i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

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(703): i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move http://tfl.nu/msae

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(412): Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living (1-412): bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug (412): This is sufficient. http://tfl.nu/p15m

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(781): today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby. http://tfl.nu/f0c2

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(610): you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask http://tfl.nu/pl36

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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(860): So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever. http://tfl.nu/64bh

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES

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(267): just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES http://tfl.nu/axvy

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(917): im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out http://tfl.nu/fsk9

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(330): View more from Ohio

He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"

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(330): He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits" http://tfl.nu/f8ma

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

did you fuck him yet?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?

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(902): did you fuck him yet? (1-902): hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun? http://tfl.nu/r4bc

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

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(201): i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby. http://tfl.nu/udcn

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(503): View more from Oregon

So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.

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(503): So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk. http://tfl.nu/hko9

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(208): View more from Idaho

dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

(1-208): View more from Idaho

what the hell does that mean?

(208): View more from Idaho

nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

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(208): dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here (1-208): what the hell does that mean? (208): nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages http://tfl.nu/of9o

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(210): View more from Texas

I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up

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(210): I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up http://tfl.nu/dh1d

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(201): If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box? http://tfl.nu/nvmk

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(408): She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that. (717): I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother... http://tfl.nu/ehm3

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up

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(256): I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up http://tfl.nu/q8f6

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(804): Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing. (571): was that a mass text?? http://tfl.nu/0791

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.

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(919): dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets. http://tfl.nu/v2g2

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(541): View more from Oregon

he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.

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(541): he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married. http://tfl.nu/sari

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(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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(613): So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely. http://tfl.nu/77c9

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

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(765): I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock" http://tfl.nu/hksp

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(419): I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me? (937): Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls. (419): Is that considered a cock block? http://tfl.nu/pjdr

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(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

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(972): You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried. http://tfl.nu/sffp

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(317): View more from Indiana

I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

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(317): I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up.... http://tfl.nu/s81o

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(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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(906): i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius? http://tfl.nu/ei5s

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(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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(404): standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture. http://tfl.nu/15y7

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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(252): I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son. http://tfl.nu/kdpy

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(774): It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God. http://tfl.nu/c3gg

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(616): You are an asshole (574): haha sleeping beauty awakes. (616): Where did you find this costume? http://tfl.nu/m4ai

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj

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(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

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(573): You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes. http://tfl.nu/p4s9

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(718): View more from New York

I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.

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(718): I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed. http://tfl.nu/ihm6

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(614): View more from Ohio

she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style

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(614): she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style http://tfl.nu/squ6

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(608): Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him. http://tfl.nu/b6v7

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(613): View more from Ontario

you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved

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(613): you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved http://tfl.nu/t5ge

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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(973): i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers http://tfl.nu/mvp5

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(713): View more from Texas

yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.

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(713): yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn. http://tfl.nu/bp9j

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(815): View more from Illinois

if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.

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(815): if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it. http://tfl.nu/9gem

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(304): View more from West Virginia

hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy

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(304): hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy http://tfl.nu/s01j

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

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(215): you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'. (215): we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/6wc5

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(904): View more from Florida

I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.

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(904): I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here. http://tfl.nu/eefr

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town

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(757): Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town http://tfl.nu/mvuo

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(204): She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous http://tfl.nu/ntwa

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(337): View more from Louisiana

you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm

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(337): you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm http://tfl.nu/y579

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(206): View more from Washington

If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh

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(206): If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh http://tfl.nu/j9ko

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?

(339): View more from Massachusetts

Oh yeah that.

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(781): WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND? (339): Oh yeah that. http://tfl.nu/clil

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(443): View more from Maryland

at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them

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(443): at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them http://tfl.nu/jmz8

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(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(310): i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over. http://tfl.nu/nwsy

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n

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(225): View more from Louisiana

He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day

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(225): He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day http://tfl.nu/y67c

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i live my life in a constant state of hangover.

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(814): i live my life in a constant state of hangover. http://tfl.nu/0mdg

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!

(1-404): View more from Georgia

what drugs are you on?

(404): View more from Georgia

none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later

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(404): I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles! (1-404): what drugs are you on? (404): none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later http://tfl.nu/mtfu

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(586): View more from Michigan

yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.

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(586): yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster. http://tfl.nu/tawm

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(718): View more from New York

did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?

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(718): did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are? http://tfl.nu/17ys

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(937): View more from Ohio

I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.

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(937): I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving. http://tfl.nu/skfa

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(601): View more from Mississippi

ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

yes

(601): View more from Mississippi

did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?

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(601): ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest? (1-601): yes (601): did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me? http://tfl.nu/1ahx

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(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

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(443): he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it http://tfl.nu/sa3y

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(303): View more from Colorado

The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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(303): The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick" http://tfl.nu/klf2

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(330): View more from Ohio

So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol

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(330): So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol http://tfl.nu/6yav

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(407): View more from Florida

We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.

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(407): We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl. http://tfl.nu/kow0

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(941): View more from Florida

He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation

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(941): He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation http://tfl.nu/2ie5

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(623): View more from Arizona

Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.

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(623): Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough. http://tfl.nu/yln2

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(801): View more from Utah

so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me

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(801): so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me http://tfl.nu/is24

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document

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(570): I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document http://tfl.nu/k2y9

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(614): View more from Ohio

Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?

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(614): Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party? http://tfl.nu/rikb

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(425): View more from Washington

You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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(425): You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option. http://tfl.nu/ipw1

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(626): Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is. http://tfl.nu/41jw

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(256): View more from Alabama

we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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(256): we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it. http://tfl.nu/bdg5

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(607): You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me http://tfl.nu/ry9s

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(214): View more from Texas

We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.

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(214): We're like two naked peas in a sex pod. http://tfl.nu/sqen

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.

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(262): I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down. http://tfl.nu/o90m

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"

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(717): I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal" http://tfl.nu/9g1t

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.

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(781): I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation. http://tfl.nu/r77c

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.

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(307): i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian. http://tfl.nu/fuqa

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.

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(717): he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone. http://tfl.nu/pjzv

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"

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(215): yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer" http://tfl.nu/i0t9

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(231): View more from Michigan

I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.

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(231): I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic. http://tfl.nu/t71g

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(208): View more from Idaho

We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever

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(208): We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever http://tfl.nu/81xl

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging

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(615): Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging http://tfl.nu/lrv8

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow

(802): View more from Vermont

Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow

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(609): Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow (802): Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow http://tfl.nu/mba8

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!

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(202): Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER! http://tfl.nu/jion

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(518): View more from New York

I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.

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(518): I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever. http://tfl.nu/idj0

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(561): View more from Florida

So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?

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(561): So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell? http://tfl.nu/0nz8

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week." http://tfl.nu/whj8

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"

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(910): i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day" http://tfl.nu/pe7h

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(310): View more from California

that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something

(818): View more from California

its my fault though, i'm wearing tights

(310): View more from California

you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap

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(310): that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something (818): its my fault though, i'm wearing tights (310): you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap http://tfl.nu/15rb

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(740): View more from Ohio

he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?

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(740): he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine? http://tfl.nu/es01

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(817): View more from Texas

Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.

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(817): Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes. http://tfl.nu/1ozx

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(678): View more from Georgia

He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.

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(678): He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went. http://tfl.nu/yfsi

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(314): View more from Missouri

I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?

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(314): I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university? http://tfl.nu/bxwk

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish

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(920): in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish http://tfl.nu/24oc

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

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(610): I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace. http://tfl.nu/hmhd

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(360): i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew http://tfl.nu/ocbg

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(516): View more from New York

He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

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(516): He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one. http://tfl.nu/wrt6

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(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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(845): just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever. http://tfl.nu/d1ay

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(215): he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles http://tfl.nu/ya5r

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(207): View more from Maine

I think we should see other people.

(1-207): View more from Maine

Already working on it.

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(207): I think we should see other people. (1-207): Already working on it. http://tfl.nu/a8l6

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(716): View more from New York

i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts

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(716): i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts http://tfl.nu/g5xn

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(847): Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday? (708): We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us. http://tfl.nu/9z48

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(773): View more from Illinois

If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.

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(773): If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time. http://tfl.nu/xdpc

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(804): View more from Virginia

girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.

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(804): girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe. http://tfl.nu/ztj4

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(508): I'm so horny! (781): I'm so hungry (508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY! (781): For your pussy... http://tfl.nu/7j50

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Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard