Texts From Last Night · camillionaire95's Favorites

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camillionaire95's Favorites Texts:

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

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(438): View more from Quebec

gladiator or hannah montana?

(514): View more from Quebec

This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

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(801): View more from Utah

When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

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(831): View more from California

YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.

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(210): View more from Texas

Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat

(830): View more from Texas

You are so not ready for motherhood

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch

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(520): View more from Arizona

Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

He does that

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(416): View more from Toronto

I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.

(917): View more from New York City

So many issues. You honestly need help.

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(713): View more from Texas

just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal

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(218): View more from Minnesota

you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"

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(330): View more from Ohio

Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

(614): View more from Ohio

I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

(330): View more from Ohio

I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka

(816): View more from Missouri

You're so demanding.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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(618): View more from Illinois

There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.

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(314): View more from Missouri

screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy

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(651): View more from Minnesota

they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it

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(804): View more from Virginia

Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.

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(646): View more from New York

Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...

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(027): View more from

I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge

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(209): View more from California

I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.

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(850): View more from Florida

you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I puked a lego.

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(805): View more from California

I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(619): View more from California

We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"

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(903): View more from Texas

I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.

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(707): View more from California

We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.

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(707): View more from California

And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.

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(419): View more from Ohio

had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.

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(207): View more from Maine

It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.

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(989): View more from Michigan

ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.

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(785): View more from Kansas

In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets

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(206): View more from Washington

do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"

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(513): View more from Ohio

it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

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(925): View more from California

She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(503): View more from Oregon

He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you

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(518): View more from New York

You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.

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(619): View more from California

He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

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(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

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(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

(312): View more from Illinois

I get to be your mom.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.

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(315): View more from New York

The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.

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(314): View more from Missouri

she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this

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(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

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(410): View more from Maryland

My mouth holds just enough water for my bong

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(517): View more from Michigan

I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

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(734): View more from Michigan

How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?

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(217): View more from Illinois

she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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(407): View more from Florida

I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that

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(850): View more from Florida

i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

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(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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(541): View more from Oregon

he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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(204): View more from Manitoba

they're like a gay fantastic four

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(313): View more from Michigan

Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.

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(248): View more from Michigan

btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

tell him to stop quoting family guy

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(303): View more from Colorado

just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

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(757): View more from Virginia

adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.

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(650): View more from California

we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA

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(651): View more from Minnesota

make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.

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(214): View more from Texas

come over

(1-214): View more from Texas

yeah sure

(1-214): View more from Texas

wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10

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(315): View more from New York

I think im going to throw up on grandma

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(505): View more from New Mexico

she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes

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(417): View more from Missouri

Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

No

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(574): View more from Indiana

Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE

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(409): View more from Texas

Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!

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(252): View more from North Carolina

My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.

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(530): View more from California

and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration

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(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.

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(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(360): View more from Washington

He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

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(818): View more from California

The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(416): View more from Ontario

she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes

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(734): View more from Michigan

Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .

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(846): View more from

he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.

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(313): View more from Michigan

is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday

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(360): View more from Washington

My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big

(720): View more from Colorado

Welcome to my life

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(970): View more from Colorado

Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude

(1-970): View more from Colorado

You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?

(970): View more from Colorado

Shut the hell up.

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(209): View more from California

is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

(1-209): View more from California

yes...dear jesus what did you do?

(209): View more from California

bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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(512): View more from Texas

When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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(214): View more from Texas

Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.

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(916): View more from California

You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.

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(650): View more from California

She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine

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(716): View more from New York

Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.

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(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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(406): View more from Montana

He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(313): View more from Michigan

if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it

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(408): View more from California

he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

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(970): View more from Colorado

We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo

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(303): View more from Colorado

she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone

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(804): View more from Virginia

At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.

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(616): View more from Michigan

No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.

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(315): View more from New York

JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.

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(409): View more from Texas

just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome

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(816): View more from Missouri

and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.

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(716): View more from New York

He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell

(901): View more from Tennessee

thats the international knock for joint time

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(319): View more from Iowa

Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.

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(810): View more from Michigan

maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.

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(903): View more from Texas

He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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(530): View more from California

We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.

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(260): View more from Indiana

you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(206): View more from Washington

No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...

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(365): View more from

I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.

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(979): View more from Texas

She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.

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(705): View more from Ontario

The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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(909): View more from California

that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(513): View more from Ohio

New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me

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(813): View more from Florida

So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3

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(407): View more from Florida

HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN

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(706): View more from Georgia

She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(512): View more from Texas

that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

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(601): View more from Mississippi

After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.

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(315): View more from New York

There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy

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(217): View more from Illinois

Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop

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(734): View more from Michigan

The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.

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(443): View more from Maryland

we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(239): View more from Florida

Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way

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(+82): View more from South Korea

Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.

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(254): View more from Texas

she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(302): View more from Delaware

This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.

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(254): View more from Texas

It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

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(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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(817): View more from Texas

In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(618): View more from Illinois

She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

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(312): View more from Illinois

...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????

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(330): View more from Ohio

How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?

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(720): View more from Colorado

the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.

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(316): View more from Kansas

The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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(630): View more from Illinois

if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.

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(785): View more from Kansas

In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell

(816): View more from Missouri

please tell me you are kidding me

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(540): View more from Virginia

Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(970): View more from Colorado

Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

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(817): View more from Texas

he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.

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(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(917): View more from New York City

I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.

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(928): View more from Arizona

She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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(779): View more from Illinois

should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?

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(214): View more from Texas

The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.

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(516): View more from New York

Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?

(509): View more from Washington

You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?

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(209): View more from California

found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(707): View more from California

He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other

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(256): View more from Alabama

do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!

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(240): View more from Maryland

seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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(810): View more from Michigan

people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.

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(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

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(302): View more from Delaware

Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america

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(845): View more from New York

You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.

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(903): View more from Texas

Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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(713): View more from Texas

Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.

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(979): View more from Texas

we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?

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(310): View more from California

Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(415): View more from California

Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(313): View more from Michigan

is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

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(310): View more from California

I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This house was built for laser tag.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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(847): View more from Illinois

i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep

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(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.

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(206): View more from Washington

I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.

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(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine

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(408): View more from California

Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something

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(404): View more from Georgia

We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

Yeah I'm going to bathe him.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

What happened to him?

(1-501): View more from Arkansas

He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(305): View more from Florida

my head looks like a cockatoo

(1-305): View more from Florida

mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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(903): View more from Texas

So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.

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(646): View more from New York

when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself

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(208): View more from Idaho

What's a "vodkaffle"?

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.

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(706): View more from Georgia

My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday

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(949): View more from California

shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.

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(716): View more from New York

I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?

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(315): View more from New York

I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.

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(707): View more from California

frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.

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(254): View more from Texas

Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem

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(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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(620): View more from Kansas

Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

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(303): View more from Colorado

That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

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(330): View more from Ohio

giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(408): View more from California

she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room

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(830): View more from Texas

He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.

(708): View more from Illinois

We need to hang out more often

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(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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(425): View more from Washington

He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.

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(573): View more from Missouri

My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

tequila makes me forget i have legs

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(540): View more from Virginia

the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.

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(804): View more from Virginia

They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??

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(905): View more from Ontario

"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"

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(631): View more from New York

Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?

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(914): View more from New York

getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night

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(925): View more from California

Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(+44): View more from England

Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign

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(949): View more from California

so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

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(607): View more from New York

How was dinner with ur grandparents?

(1-607): View more from New York

I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

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(713): View more from Texas

you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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(360): View more from Washington

No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.

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(561): View more from Florida

You drink too much

(1-561): View more from Florida

No, I drink just the right amount - too often.

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(512): View more from Texas

So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass

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(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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(512): View more from Texas

You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(712): View more from Iowa

i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(708): View more from Illinois

We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool

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(281): View more from Texas

I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.

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(260): View more from Indiana

We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.

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(661): View more from California

So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"

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(507): View more from Minnesota

We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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(815): View more from Illinois

We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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(226): View more from Ontario

Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again

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(407): View more from Florida

I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

(410): View more from Maryland

so basically your not goin out tonight?

(301): View more from Maryland

who said that?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home

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(805): View more from California

you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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(702): View more from Nevada

So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(719): View more from Colorado

He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(714): View more from California

He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(951): View more from California

All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

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(206): View more from Washington

All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.

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(883): View more from

I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet

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(678): View more from Georgia

Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."

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(754): View more from Florida

I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

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(415): View more from California

had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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(708): View more from Illinois

She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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(415): View more from California

apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window

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