Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
