Texts From Last Night · ty343's Favorites

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ty343's Favorites Texts:

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius

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(860): View more from Connecticut

but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers

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(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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(703): View more from Virginia

i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?

(1-703): View more from Virginia

yes

(703): View more from Virginia

... don't judge me

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(732): View more from New Jersey

They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus

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(801): View more from Utah

i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

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(806): View more from Texas

For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

What!?!?! How are you txting?!

(775): View more from Nevada

Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.

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(212): View more from New York

I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.

(503): View more from Oregon

Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(917): View more from New York City

Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Did everyone make it back alive?

(309): View more from Illinois

You say that with such hope.

(217): View more from Illinois

Is that a no?

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(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

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(479): View more from Arkansas

She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(214): View more from Texas

One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am

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(561): View more from Florida

You drink too much

(1-561): View more from Florida

No, I drink just the right amount - too often.

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(815): View more from Illinois

you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?

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(706): View more from Georgia

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

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(815): View more from Illinois

She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am

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(612): View more from Minnesota

that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch

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(740): View more from Ohio

he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

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(210): View more from Texas

By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?

(940): View more from Texas

homeless.

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(925): View more from California

She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.

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(317): View more from Indiana

She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How come twittering sounds sexual?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Because of Bambi.

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(941): View more from Florida

Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.

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(440): View more from Ohio

thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.

(440): View more from Ohio

anything for my little brother.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(816): View more from Missouri

She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it

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(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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(765): View more from Indiana

he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.

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(949): View more from California

She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

you dont

(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont

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(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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(574): View more from Indiana

So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.

(574): View more from Indiana

Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(443): View more from Maryland

this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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(303): View more from Colorado

That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right

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(520): View more from Arizona

You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(847): View more from Illinois

as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(210): View more from Texas

so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....

(512): View more from Texas

oh shit that had to have been awkward

(210): View more from Texas

i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for

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(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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(207): View more from Maine

Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

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(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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(410): View more from Maryland

And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(530): View more from California

And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

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(407): View more from Florida

How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

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(630): View more from Illinois

is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

(815): View more from Illinois

that's gum

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(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.

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(303): View more from Colorado

hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

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(251): View more from Alabama

About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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(631): View more from New York

Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"

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(132): View more from

if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder

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(540): View more from Virginia

LETS GO REDSKINS!

(276): View more from Virginia

Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.

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(360): View more from Washington

He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(631): View more from New York

I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(954): View more from Florida

everyone is single if you try hard enough

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it working?

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now

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(705): View more from Ontario

How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?

(1-705): View more from Ontario

I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

my soul wont recognize me after tonight

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I like you better when you drink

(708): View more from Illinois

I like you better when I drink too

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(503): View more from Oregon

What's wrong?

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.

(503): View more from Oregon

Pussy.

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(360): View more from Washington

If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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(303): View more from Colorado

she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis

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(646): View more from New York

I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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(812): View more from Indiana

according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(407): View more from Florida

im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes

(1-407): View more from Florida

i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.

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(503): View more from Oregon

hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon

(1-503): View more from Oregon

all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.

(478): View more from Georgia

Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich

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(313): View more from Michigan

you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

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(847): View more from Illinois

chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.

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(720): View more from Colorado

the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(702): View more from Nevada

she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(727): View more from Florida

My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.

(614): View more from Ohio

My vagina agrees.

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(425): View more from Washington

If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"

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(812): View more from Indiana

When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(626): View more from California

What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"

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(760): View more from California

i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/

(973): View more from New Jersey

Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.

(859): View more from Kentucky

Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside

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(503): View more from Oregon

when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on

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(313): View more from Michigan

her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..

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(513): View more from Ohio

Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?

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(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

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(818): View more from California

Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(845): View more from New York

I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?

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(631): View more from New York

she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

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(425): View more from Washington

I proposed and she said yes man.

(1-425): View more from Washington

You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?

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(727): View more from Florida

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(727): View more from Florida

ooooooooooooo i'm drink

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(619): View more from California

If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho

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(314): View more from Missouri

It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(845): View more from New York

You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(904): View more from Florida

When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"

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(419): View more from Ohio

Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"

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(407): View more from Florida

Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)

(1-407): View more from Florida

Mom wtf!?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?

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(360): View more from Washington

i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm in awe of how selfish that is.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm going to rape someone's good day.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for

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(720): View more from Colorado

the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one

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(847): View more from Illinois

is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

please don't let me die tonight

(860): View more from Connecticut

what have you done for me lately?

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(904): View more from Florida

i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.

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(347): View more from New York

She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her

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(816): View more from Missouri

In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance

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(407): View more from Florida

This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now

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(514): View more from Quebec

Good luck man

(1-514): View more from Quebec

I dont need it. Shes easy.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.

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(616): View more from Michigan

dude you need to get laid

(906): View more from Michigan

me?

(616): View more from Michigan

no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

(906): View more from Michigan

oh I thought you were talkin about me

(906): View more from Michigan

wait

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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(434): View more from Virginia

She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4

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(727): View more from Florida

what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

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(631): View more from New York

i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not

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(914): View more from New York

I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

I respect that

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(973): View more from New Jersey

No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.

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(352): View more from Florida

What are you doing?

(352): View more from Florida

High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

(352): View more from Florida

That guy could sell me cancer.

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(408): View more from California

When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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(434): View more from Virginia

There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.

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(330): View more from Ohio

This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.

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(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(818): View more from California

got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night

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(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.

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(972): View more from Texas

I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.

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(573): View more from Missouri

She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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(847): View more from Illinois

there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...

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(816): View more from Missouri

you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

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(410): View more from Maryland

pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...

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(409): View more from Texas

nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"

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(816): View more from Missouri

Are you guys doing anything tonight?

(859): View more from Kentucky

Krysta

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(251): View more from Alabama

how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?

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(805): View more from California

Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are

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(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(917): View more from New York City

I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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(678): View more from Georgia

She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're such a slut.

(318): View more from Louisiana

I prefer opportunist.

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

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(1-415): View more from California

What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?

(415): View more from California

Irish Spring?

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(925): View more from California

I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.

(713): View more from Texas

Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(718): View more from New York

Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

what's the vibe there?

(917): View more from New York City

extraordinary amounts of gine

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(408): View more from California

sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds

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(631): View more from New York

You only like me because I'm a challenge

(201): View more from New Jersey

You already blew me

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(443): View more from Maryland

ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??

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(253): View more from Washington

I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

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(315): View more from New York

I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

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(315): View more from New York

I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(315): View more from New York

I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding

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(517): View more from Michigan

My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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(419): View more from Ohio

somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(805): View more from California

i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?

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(760): View more from California

she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail

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(207): View more from Maine

at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally

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(917): View more from New York City

I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I drank myself into bisexuality again.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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(937): View more from Ohio

bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome

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(253): View more from Washington

You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

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(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.

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(310): View more from California

I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my phone needs a breathalizer

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

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(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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(407): View more from Florida

And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(498): View more from

You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.

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(646): View more from New York

I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.

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(269): View more from Michigan

its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

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(509): View more from Washington

I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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(770): View more from Georgia

"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.

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(+61): View more from Australia

It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.

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(937): View more from Ohio

so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.

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(214): View more from Texas

Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge

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(626): View more from California

It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.

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(562): View more from California

Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics

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(270): View more from Kentucky

If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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(519): View more from Ontario

ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.

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(631): View more from New York

Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I just did the classiest thing ever.

(216): View more from Ohio

last time you said that you got chlamydia.

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(631): View more from New York

i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!

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(330): View more from Ohio

Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood

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(703): View more from Virginia

Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

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(817): View more from Texas

The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks

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(541): View more from Oregon

You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

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(907): View more from Alaska

is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?

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(317): View more from Indiana

ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

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(315): View more from New York

I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance

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(205): View more from Alabama

I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

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(616): View more from Michigan

I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up

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(972): View more from Texas

P.S. I can't hear my feet

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(925): View more from California

and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(818): View more from California

my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(949): View more from California

I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?

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(516): View more from New York

Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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(970): View more from Colorado

She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.

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(214): View more from Texas

Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(585): View more from New York

its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.

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(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.

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(863): View more from Florida

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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(254): View more from Texas

In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.

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(310): View more from California

...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex

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(281): View more from Texas

He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.

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(631): View more from New York

You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

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(817): View more from Texas

Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

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(801): View more from Utah

we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

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(503): View more from Oregon

well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(705): View more from Ontario

Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(404): View more from Georgia

He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."

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(239): View more from Florida

Missed another period

(1-239): View more from Florida

I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.

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(404): View more from Georgia

you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated

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(954): View more from Florida

8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

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(530): View more from California

regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle

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(540): View more from Virginia

What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best

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(541): View more from Oregon

You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.

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