and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
25 People Didnâ€™t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
4 words: hood of his car
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
People in love make me want to vomit
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
from now on my penis is your penis
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Sacagawea was the original milf.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My vagina just recognized that song.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
she pinky promised me she was 18
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix