Texts From Last Night · simpleplan2499's Favorites

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(573): View more from Missouri

and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers

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(602): View more from Arizona

I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.

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(512): View more from Texas

dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.

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(785): View more from Kansas

A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.

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(713): View more from Texas

I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.

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(305): View more from Florida

and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no pressure.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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(678): View more from Georgia

When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(661): View more from California

So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

(818): View more from California

I hate you.

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(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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(214): View more from Texas

So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

(713): View more from Texas

Sounds better than last semester

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(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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(307): View more from Wyoming

He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.

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(360): View more from Washington

Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary

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(804): View more from Virginia

I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.

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(650): View more from California

i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.

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(330): View more from Ohio

After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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(646): View more from New York

He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.

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(519): View more from Ontario

he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon

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(425): View more from Washington

I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.

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(518): View more from New York

I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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(443): View more from Maryland

Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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(247): View more from

Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.

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(716): View more from New York

So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.

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(206): View more from Washington

i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends

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(307): View more from Wyoming

It was like doing yoga with his dick in me

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(520): View more from Arizona

I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant

(617): View more from Massachusetts

then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?

(989): View more from Michigan

By definition I think it does.

(810): View more from Michigan

So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.

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(207): View more from Maine

You said your dick dragged you up the stairs

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?

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(951): View more from California

All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

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(916): View more from California

Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(815): View more from Illinois

Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams

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(631): View more from New York

ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.

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(626): View more from California

He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.

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(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(954): View more from Florida

We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.

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(916): View more from California

Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing

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(907): View more from Alaska

She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

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(727): View more from Florida

she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.

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(949): View more from California

youre so sexy i want your bod

(410): View more from Maryland

dude, did you turn gay?

(949): View more from California

heather?

(410): View more from Maryland

this is jacob

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(217): View more from Illinois

her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...

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(817): View more from Texas

i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole

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(928): View more from Arizona

Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(505): View more from New Mexico

sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.

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(619): View more from California

She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something

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(678): View more from Georgia

Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.

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(408): View more from California

i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache

(225): View more from Louisiana

You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice

(504): View more from Louisiana

Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?

(225): View more from Louisiana

I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....

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(434): View more from Virginia

u cheatin on me?

(1-434): View more from Virginia

if i did i would try to upgrade babe.

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(917): View more from New York City

Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision

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(850): View more from Florida

hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'

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(516): View more from New York

you left your dildo in my car

(516): View more from New York

rules of finders keepers apply

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(330): View more from Ohio

no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce

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(819): View more from Quebec

She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad

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(703): View more from Virginia

They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(636): View more from Missouri

The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.

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(718): View more from New York

Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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(914): View more from New York

Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.

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(+61): View more from Australia

we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..

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(605): View more from South Dakota

dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.

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(404): View more from Georgia

And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.

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(858): View more from California

Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.

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(954): View more from Florida

I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke

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(402): View more from Nebraska

4 words: hood of his car

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(707): View more from California

You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.

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(510): View more from California

And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us

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(213): View more from California

she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies

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(949): View more from California

mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(425): View more from Washington

You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.

(937): View more from Ohio

He had some in his pocket. That was weird.

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(917): View more from New York City

I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.

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(562): View more from California

you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.

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(956): View more from Texas

Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity

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(541): View more from Oregon

you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?

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(319): View more from Iowa

umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do

(1-319): View more from Iowa

put a dollar in it?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

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(208): View more from Idaho

Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

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(858): View more from California

Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

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(916): View more from California

on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

(1-916): View more from California

your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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(513): View more from Ohio

the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

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(740): View more from Ohio

So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.

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(631): View more from New York

fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn

(706): View more from Georgia

And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her

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(904): View more from Florida

What are you doing tonight?

(847): View more from Illinois

Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened

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(386): View more from Florida

it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.

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(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.

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(330): View more from Ohio

This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?

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(949): View more from California

dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt

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(210): View more from Texas

he referred to my room as the tit cave...

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(636): View more from Missouri

I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.

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(425): View more from Washington

Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.

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(515): View more from Iowa

hes a good boy he deserves a good blow

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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(408): View more from California

Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype

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(727): View more from Florida

i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.

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(818): View more from California

dude, i look like john mccains neck right now

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(813): View more from Florida

Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.

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(314): View more from Missouri

DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??

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(313): View more from Michigan

I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

(313): View more from Michigan

He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(760): View more from California

Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha

(1-760): View more from California

I hate my life

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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(334): View more from Alabama

she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.

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(954): View more from Florida

can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?

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(909): View more from California

if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you

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(248): View more from Michigan

yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

it was average length and chubby

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

so kinda like him?

(919): View more from North Carolina

now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...

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(865): View more from Tennessee

dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.

(302): View more from Delaware

You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.

(865): View more from Tennessee

They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.

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(517): View more from Michigan

careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus

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(510): View more from California

It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...

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(310): View more from California

I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high

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(816): View more from Missouri

you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(786): View more from Florida

Thats something to write home to mom about

(305): View more from Florida

Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak

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(269): View more from Michigan

Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(801): View more from Utah

I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(925): View more from California

just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook

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(803): View more from South Carolina

if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

People in love make me want to vomit

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(512): View more from Texas

Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?

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(917): View more from New York City

had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.

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(650): View more from California

some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!

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(410): View more from Maryland

i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(614): View more from Ohio

True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

did you fuck him yet?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're such a slut.

(318): View more from Louisiana

I prefer opportunist.

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(503): View more from Oregon

24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

That's not a bad idea, actually...

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(916): View more from California

I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night

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(651): View more from Minnesota

But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.

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(913): View more from Kansas

very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.

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(619): View more from California

Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

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(904): View more from Florida

sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers

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(417): View more from Missouri

Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.

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(440): View more from Ohio

my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?

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(949): View more from California

Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.

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(207): View more from Maine

Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people

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(650): View more from California

from now on my penis is your penis

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(916): View more from California

i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord

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(770): View more from Georgia

Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.

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(312): View more from Illinois

omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies

(815): View more from Illinois

Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Are you guys doing anything tonight?

(859): View more from Kentucky

Krysta

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Sacagawea was the original milf.

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(313): View more from Michigan

my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(386): View more from Florida

smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Best. Handjob. Ever.

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm guessing Kelly is over?

(416): View more from Toronto

Nope. Home alone.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Your godly.

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(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My vagina just recognized that song.

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(716): View more from New York

ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.

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(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

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(609): View more from New Jersey

His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.

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(813): View more from Florida

worms taste like bacon by the way.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I always wondered what they tasted like.

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(407): View more from Florida

He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(226): View more from Ontario

I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.

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(212): View more from New York

it was like a zeppelin in a condom

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash

(1-513): View more from Ohio

GO. BACK. NOW.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.

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(516): View more from New York

she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

(917): View more from New York City

I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.

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(518): View more from New York

how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago

(404): View more from Georgia

so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(631): View more from New York

i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.

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(720): View more from Colorado

New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?

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(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

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(914): View more from New York

How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?

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(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

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(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together

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(919): View more from North Carolina

They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible

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(512): View more from Texas

i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving

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(219): View more from Indiana

you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

(949): View more from California

she's my drunk super hero.

Fav 17 6046 1657
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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(708): View more from Illinois

I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(727): View more from Florida

i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him

Fav 21 6963 1995
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(615): View more from Tennessee

It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?

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(516): View more from New York

id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

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(301): View more from Maryland

My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.

(305): View more from Florida

Did you save them?

(404): View more from Georgia

Who?

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(925): View more from California

im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy

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(210): View more from Texas

I should be sponsored by Trojan

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

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(313): View more from Michigan

They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.

(313): View more from Michigan

Something like a penis light saber.

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(315): View more from New York

We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"

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(831): View more from California

It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter

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(641): View more from Iowa

i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that

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(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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(419): View more from Ohio

Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"

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(503): View more from Oregon

if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.

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(760): View more from California

Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.

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(540): View more from Virginia

just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.

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(+44): View more from England

Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

(1-404): View more from Georgia

no.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

(401): View more from Rhode Island

no, that is not a typo

(401): View more from Rhode Island

i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

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(925): View more from California

we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks

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(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Four. Poor grandma...

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(831): View more from California

I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.

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(347): View more from New York

Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one

(347): View more from New York

Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...

(802): View more from Vermont

do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls

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(910): View more from North Carolina

after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(419): View more from Ohio

this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(925): View more from California

You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

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(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what to do

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

with your life?

(732): View more from New Jersey

no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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(407): View more from Florida

we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship

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(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

(1-253): View more from Washington

What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke

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(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(408): View more from California

if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

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(562): View more from California

Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up

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(317): View more from Indiana

i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning

(1-217): View more from Illinois

didn't feel it. :)

(217): View more from Illinois

It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wait what? so it's not in america?

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(407): View more from Florida

She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.

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(224): View more from Illinois

his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.

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(478): View more from Georgia

she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet

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(604): View more from British Columbia

found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

wtf you measured my hair?

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(440): View more from Ohio

made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.

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(214): View more from Texas

I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"

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(510): View more from California

I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

(702): View more from Nevada

Are you high?

(510): View more from California

No. That's why it's odd

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.

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(770): View more from Georgia

it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there

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(240): View more from Maryland

It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(402): View more from Nebraska

her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.

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(925): View more from California

She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".

(781): View more from Massachusetts

It was only one, it doesn't count.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(207): View more from Maine

Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy

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(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

wtf

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(925): View more from California

Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??

(1-925): View more from California

Yes. Yes it is.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked

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(231): View more from Michigan

So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?

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(443): View more from Maryland

i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement

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(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

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(954): View more from Florida

im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

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(813): View more from Florida

Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award

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(931): View more from Tennessee

is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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