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What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
she pinky promised me she was 18
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
And the cops told us we were all naked.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
your thong is hanging out like whoa
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The beer is more important than you right now.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
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