Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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