Texts From Last Night · XxLundqvistx30X's Favorites

XxLundqvistx30X's Favorites Texts:

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(281): View more from Texas

I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.

(936): View more from Texas

haha now u have to piss out ur bum

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(609): View more from New Jersey

overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you

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(406): View more from Montana

he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

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(949): View more from California

We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

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(458): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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(925): View more from California

I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

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(916): View more from California

I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.

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(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i came on her dog

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(864): View more from South Carolina

After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!

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(773): View more from Illinois

omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

(401): View more from Rhode Island

no, that is not a typo

(401): View more from Rhode Island

i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?

(941): View more from Florida

better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn

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(903): View more from Texas

her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.

(937): View more from Ohio

He had some in his pocket. That was weird.

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(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Dude i fell asleep inside of her

(1-248): View more from Michigan

thats awesome

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(954): View more from Florida

i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.

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(626): View more from California

he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??

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(317): View more from Indiana

It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.

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(314): View more from Missouri

this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"

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(281): View more from Texas

I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

No

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(205): View more from Alabama

they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"

(205): View more from Alabama

pick me up NOW

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...

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(714): View more from California

found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....

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(951): View more from California

My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore

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(360): View more from Washington

Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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(813): View more from Florida

i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

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(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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(408): View more from California

man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"

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(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(574): View more from Indiana

You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(206): View more from Washington

he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(806): View more from Texas

a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(701): View more from North Dakota

two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.

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(602): View more from Arizona

i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...

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(630): View more from Illinois

Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.

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(248): View more from Michigan

New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(856): View more from New Jersey

a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

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(949): View more from California

i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?

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(269): View more from Michigan

So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I see a marketing opportunity

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(865): View more from Tennessee

sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

why is allison so mad at me??

(469): View more from Texas

me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

(318): View more from Louisiana

crap..

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(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(817): View more from Texas

What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

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(251): View more from Alabama

but she was nice to me.

(256): View more from Alabama

She was a fuckin STRIPPER.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you will always have a special place in my vag

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(847): View more from Illinois

How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(415): View more from California

i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I cannot find my penis.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me

(781): View more from Massachusetts

dont be selfish, show some boob

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex

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(713): View more from Texas

We need to get cat food

(713): View more from Texas

Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't believe he cheated

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how

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(636): View more from Missouri

she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"

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(623): View more from Arizona

Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.

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(207): View more from Maine

reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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(904): View more from Florida

When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"

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(513): View more from Ohio

god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"

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(805): View more from California

we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(928): View more from Arizona

she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

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(503): View more from Oregon

iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

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(949): View more from California

Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.

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(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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(310): View more from California

I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.

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(631): View more from New York

I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(518): View more from New York

im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(315): View more from New York

We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a girl!!

(614): View more from Ohio

That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years

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(713): View more from Texas

My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(513): View more from Ohio

WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE

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(630): View more from Illinois

You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror

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(209): View more from California

Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

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(253): View more from Washington

Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....

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(407): View more from Florida

shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.

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(310): View more from California

dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore

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(502): View more from Kentucky

The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"

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(925): View more from California

I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker

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(908): View more from New Jersey

How wet are you?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

Ever heard of a U-boat?

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(916): View more from California

Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice

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(480): View more from Arizona

You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone

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(410): View more from Maryland

In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

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(971): View more from Oregon

He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet

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(703): View more from Virginia

She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.

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(914): View more from New York

Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted

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(561): View more from Florida

My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..

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(581): View more from Quebec

I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels

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(440): View more from Ohio

he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's shedding

(1-912): View more from Georgia

I told you penises don't tan

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(785): View more from Kansas

There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.

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(480): View more from Arizona

We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.

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(631): View more from New York

our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college

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(845): View more from New York

so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

(623): View more from Arizona

You mean Doughnuts?

(602): View more from Arizona

......No :(

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.

(1-857): View more from Massachusetts

Doors?

(857): View more from Massachusetts

Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.

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(613): View more from Ontario

my text book just quoted the cookie monster

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"

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(708): View more from Illinois

its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something

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(904): View more from Florida

I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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(562): View more from California

tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will

(714): View more from California

and a girl gets the red ring of death every month

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(330): View more from Ohio

Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?

(1-302): View more from Delaware

That's okay, it's all protein anyway.

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(510): View more from California

dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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(240): View more from Maryland

He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

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(818): View more from California

Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(540): View more from Virginia

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

(1-540): View more from Virginia

What did u do?

(540): View more from Virginia

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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(313): View more from Michigan

my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My cat gives me a boner

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(716): View more from New York

you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(513): View more from Ohio

do you believe in love at first sight?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

awwwwww =)

(513): View more from Ohio

yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!

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(909): View more from California

if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids

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(619): View more from California

If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

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(516): View more from New York

she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

(917): View more from New York City

I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.

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(562): View more from California

I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.

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(347): View more from New York

tell your sister to shave her snatch

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(517): View more from Michigan

I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'd suck anything for a pizza right now

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(317): View more from Indiana

After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what if every blade of grass was a penis?

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(253): View more from Washington

i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wtf?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Church boner. Awkwardddd

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(408): View more from California

You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.

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(818): View more from California

my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.

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(618): View more from Illinois

lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.

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(650): View more from California

oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'

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(510): View more from California

my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum

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(+44): View more from England

Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.

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(419): View more from Ohio

take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot

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(269): View more from Michigan

I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.

(616): View more from Michigan

Who said I want to share with you?

(269): View more from Michigan

You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(708): View more from Illinois

Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

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(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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(972): View more from Texas

The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My cha cha got a haircut

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf

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(480): View more from Arizona

so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

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(248): View more from Michigan

my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

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(347): View more from New York

k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza

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(269): View more from Michigan

dude she's married.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

so? a ring don't cover no holes.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks

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(705): View more from Ontario

and you said cock pushups were impossible

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(714): View more from California

OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign

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(269): View more from Michigan

just do him I won't tell jon

(1-269): View more from Michigan

um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

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(540): View more from Virginia

my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged

(703): View more from Virginia

just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.

(612): View more from Minnesota

only room for one pussy in that bed.

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(503): View more from Oregon

my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

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(310): View more from California

you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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(207): View more from Maine

If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.

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(248): View more from Michigan

he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.

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(323): View more from California

may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.

(818): View more from California

First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

only you would photoshop your dick

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(678): View more from Georgia

xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.

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(+61): View more from Australia

i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

It's always exciting to touch a new boob.

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(613): View more from Ontario

she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent

(613): View more from Ontario

I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM

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(716): View more from New York

i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

i always knew you were classy

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(810): View more from Michigan

This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle

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(317): View more from Indiana

His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me

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(407): View more from Florida

my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much

(1-407): View more from Florida

It'll hurt less than being alone

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage

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(805): View more from California

found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.

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(516): View more from New York

Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.

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(515): View more from Iowa

we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He told me they were just razor bumps!

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(706): View more from Georgia

I GOT MY PERIOD!

(706): View more from Georgia

damn. i had names picked out.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

he fucked me so hard my future children felt it

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.

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(503): View more from Oregon

My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.

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(407): View more from Florida

I think I have a pornographic memory.

(954): View more from Florida

Don't you mean photographic?

(407): View more from Florida

No.

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(916): View more from California

I'm really into asian looking animals

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(831): View more from California

Don't EVER smell your tampon

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?

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(740): View more from Ohio

id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...

(708): View more from Illinois

I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall

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(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

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(910): View more from North Carolina

This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(315): View more from New York

Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(740): View more from Ohio

its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(703): View more from Virginia

then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"

(773): View more from Illinois

I forgot about that,good spring break.

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(214): View more from Texas

bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.

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(516): View more from New York

The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina

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(416): View more from Toronto

No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(714): View more from California

you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...

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(678): View more from Georgia

Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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(802): View more from Vermont

I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

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(417): View more from Missouri

My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

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(760): View more from California

My pussy is not your playground.

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.

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(858): View more from California

Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

It was like doing yoga with his dick in me

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Did you hit it?

(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.

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(559): View more from California

I queefed so loud it echoed.

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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(469): View more from Texas

I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.

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(817): View more from Texas

My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.

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(708): View more from Illinois

She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.

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(714): View more from California

She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

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(419): View more from Ohio

So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.

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(205): View more from Alabama

When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.

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