Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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