He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
