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Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Whod you bang
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
So is it bad that I'm using this 21 year old for his hot bod and utter naivety?
No its what 21 year olds are made for
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
That reminds me...we need to get swords
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i dont even know how to be here
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
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