there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude i'm inner monologue high
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
barbara walters just said penis...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i think i have herpe
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He passed out mid-signature
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
our cab driver is having phone sex.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I think this conversation is over.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i can juggle bunnies
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We're like a lot better than the average bears
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.