Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Sorry my hands just texted you
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He's a Shit stain on my heart
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm at about main and main street
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
This baby is an asshole
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
How external is "for external use only"?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Favorite