worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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