Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i want to swaddle you in tequila
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
it's like heaven, but drunker
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
cat food counts as protein by the way
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
this will be a night to untag.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Actions speak louder than pants.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
we're making bets on your personal life
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The beer is more important than you right now.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".