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Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
my being single is dangerous.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
NoShamevember. You game?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Less talking, more tequila
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
if you like me you must not know who I am
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Sober January is a disaster.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
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