Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
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