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is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
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