Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
are you still at the devil's house?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he fucked my hip out of place.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
cat food counts as protein by the way
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So many bounce houses so little time
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
a search helicopter?!
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign