My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
