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I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
please come you make the beer taste better
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i dont even know how to be here
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
everyone is single if you try hard enough
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
its not stalking. its research.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I feel like abortions should bother me more
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
im six kinds of drunk right now
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
sarcasm needs its own font
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
love makes seman taste better
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My room smells like vodka and shame
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
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