I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
only you would photoshop your dick
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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