My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosť, bitch!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
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