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I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
if only i could text you this smell
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?
Cause it just destroys penises
Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
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