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Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You can't motorboat a personality
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I wish you could order shots online.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Houston, we have a blender
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Less talking, more tequila
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We just shotgunned beers for America
Semen is not good for contacts.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I met the friendliest cop last night
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You're like the curious george of whores
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
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