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It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
This baby is an asshole
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I wish there were birth control emojis
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
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