Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Did I show you my penis last night?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
a search helicopter?!
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I spit up blood this morning
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.