seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
