Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Blood and glitter go together right?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just invented taco cereal.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
its not stalking. its research.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...