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I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish I only lived at night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
another moral hangover. fuck.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
someone threw a dead crab at me
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This house was built for laser tag.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
apparently the secret to your success is patron
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
sarcasm needs its own font
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
she was so not down for the gang bang
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
your thong is hanging out like whoa
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
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