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I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
its not stalking. its research.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You can't motorboat a personality
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think I sprained my soul last night
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
kristin has been a bad kristin
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
This is not my ceiling
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Me too!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I cannot find my penis.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
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