I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
