EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
I am invincible.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We talked him into tasing himself.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
So squirting runs in the family.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Im just a social blackout drinker.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I heard we made out
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i want to fuck
it's pretty self explanatory
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I wanna bring you to show and tell
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My cat gives me a boner
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You're my little dorito
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I will die if light touches me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just cropdusted the office
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
we have pet lesbian snakes
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Your dad touched me again.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Is that why you're texting me
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i'm home, then i'll come over
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I cannot find my penis.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."