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His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
We're like a lot better than the average bears
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Just fell off a train. Bad.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Will you blow on my dice?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
It's Friday. Sex?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
with your own penis?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I will die if light touches me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just google imaged poop.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
that's an acceptable place to lick
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
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