In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I have surprise drugs for everyone
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.