Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
