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This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i came on her dog
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Watching her eat just hurts me
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
from now on my penis is your penis
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You dont lie about slip and slides
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
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