Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
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