Texts From Last Night · YourJesus's Favorites

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YourJesus's Favorites Texts:

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(210): View more from Texas

I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.

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(541): View more from Oregon

She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?

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(248): View more from Michigan

He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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(330): View more from Ohio

i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

my head hurts. i need an adult

(225): View more from Louisiana

and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.

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(916): View more from California

He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.

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(757): View more from Virginia

almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses

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(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.

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(845): View more from New York

I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar

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(310): View more from California

Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

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(813): View more from Florida

I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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(406): View more from Montana

130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(253): View more from Washington

at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?

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(989): View more from Michigan

TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Dibsssss

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(817): View more from Texas

Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello

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(260): View more from Indiana

After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

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(240): View more from Maryland

she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.

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(713): View more from Texas

onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.

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(925): View more from California

she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out

(1-925): View more from California

this was your mom?

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(703): View more from Virginia

You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."

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(469): View more from Texas

I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time

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(970): View more from Colorado

She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.

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(850): View more from Florida

your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.

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(518): View more from New York

He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth

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(587): View more from Alberta

Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text

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(631): View more from New York

Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying

(1-631): View more from New York

Oh good your over him

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(519): View more from Ontario

It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone

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(559): View more from California

I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.

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(207): View more from Maine

Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.

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(510): View more from California

Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.

(1-510): View more from California

That is one convoluted booty call.

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Ew! He's just a child!

(361): View more from Texas

AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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(478): View more from Georgia

You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable

(318): View more from Louisiana

You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything

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(860): View more from Connecticut

That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"

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(440): View more from Ohio

I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.

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(807): View more from Ontario

he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .

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(516): View more from New York

Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me

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(541): View more from Oregon

I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.

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(217): View more from Illinois

The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left

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(713): View more from Texas

So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings

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(907): View more from Alaska

I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(407): View more from Florida

She even gives head with a lisp.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

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(408): View more from California

I don't have enough holes for all these australians

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(773): View more from Illinois

You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

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(903): View more from Texas

He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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(732): View more from New Jersey

four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

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(708): View more from Illinois

I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(314): View more from Missouri

DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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(301): View more from Maryland

i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7

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(404): View more from Georgia

My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.

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(416): View more from Toronto

he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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(510): View more from California

I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I know she was great

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(519): View more from Ontario

and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now

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(626): View more from California

Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(713): View more from Texas

You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.

(925): View more from California

I'm not gay.

(713): View more from Texas

Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?

(925): View more from California

If ghandi gives good head...I'm in

(713): View more from Texas

Its fine.

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(417): View more from Missouri

My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.

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(805): View more from California

as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"

(1-805): View more from California

uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win

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(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Haha did she know what fisting meant?

(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself

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(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off

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(352): View more from Florida

Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.

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(415): View more from California

i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.

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(949): View more from California

I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.

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(305): View more from Florida

nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.

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(703): View more from Virginia

This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You made eat vitamins until I threw up

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(818): View more from California

i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(214): View more from Texas

okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you

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(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.

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(757): View more from Virginia

You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...

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(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(775): View more from Nevada

I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

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(207): View more from Maine

My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

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(614): View more from Ohio

i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.

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(315): View more from New York

you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.

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(925): View more from California

I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'

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(925): View more from California

At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.

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(815): View more from Illinois

There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.

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(845): View more from New York

You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(416): View more from Ontario

Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.

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(904): View more from Florida

Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship

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(740): View more from Ohio

His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.

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(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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(804): View more from Virginia

don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

(1-804): View more from Virginia

couldn't find a condom?

(804): View more from Virginia

basically

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(281): View more from Texas

On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?

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(630): View more from Illinois

He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(214): View more from Texas

I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now

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(913): View more from Kansas

the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

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(281): View more from Texas

I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"

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(315): View more from New York

Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.

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(631): View more from New York

Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I mean a good dj is a huge turn on

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.

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(419): View more from Ohio

All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(804): View more from Virginia

...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry

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(435): View more from Utah

Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

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(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(512): View more from Texas

You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.

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(913): View more from Kansas

the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(518): View more from New York

you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'

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(847): View more from Illinois

he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(253): View more from Washington

Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

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(305): View more from Florida

Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I am midnight drunk by noon

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(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?

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(419): View more from Ohio

dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"

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(212): View more from New York

This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.

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(310): View more from California

Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(509): View more from Washington

He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.

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(740): View more from Ohio

There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.

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(903): View more from Texas

I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.

(903): View more from Texas

That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.

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(813): View more from Florida

Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida

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(602): View more from Arizona

i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(847): View more from Illinois

hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??

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(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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(281): View more from Texas

How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend

(936): View more from Texas

Get a boyfriend

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(941): View more from Florida

Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?

(1-941): View more from Florida

Wow! You need to get laid.

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(805): View more from California

we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend

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(727): View more from Florida

I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up

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(210): View more from Texas

He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.

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(804): View more from Virginia

girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more

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(281): View more from Texas

I just know... :) goodntight

(1-281): View more from Texas

Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(440): View more from Ohio

wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant

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(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what to do

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

with your life?

(732): View more from New Jersey

no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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(240): View more from Maryland

Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't believe he cheated

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how

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(917): View more from New York City

I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina

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(913): View more from Kansas

The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."

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(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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(201): View more from New Jersey

if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(561): View more from Florida

Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK

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(773): View more from Illinois

is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?

(773): View more from Illinois

it's more of a rinse.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Which ones?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters

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(210): View more from Texas

I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.

(512): View more from Texas

There are margaritas in the freezer still.

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...

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(512): View more from Texas

he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....

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(843): View more from South Carolina

four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk

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(802): View more from Vermont

he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye

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(954): View more from Florida

had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her

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(315): View more from New York

You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high

(954): View more from Florida

Yeah, I don't like babies at all

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(734): View more from Michigan

Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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(805): View more from California

He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

wtf

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(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes

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(773): View more from Illinois

My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

didn't stop?

(773): View more from Illinois

naw, they were rude, not me.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Sacagawea was the original milf.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel

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(334): View more from Alabama

Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?

(1-334): View more from Alabama

You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.

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(561): View more from Florida

you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic

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(716): View more from New York

i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts

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(858): View more from California

i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(708): View more from Illinois

Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.

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(540): View more from Virginia

you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on

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(925): View more from California

It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.

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(407): View more from Florida

im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes

(1-407): View more from Florida

i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.

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(440): View more from Ohio

oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?

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(562): View more from California

cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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(850): View more from Florida

my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(208): View more from Idaho

he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(302): View more from Delaware

didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official

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(518): View more from New York

its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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(443): View more from Maryland

Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(334): View more from Alabama

I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was confusing and full of hummus

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.

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(702): View more from Nevada

no you cant smoke seaweed

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(904): View more from Florida

What are you doing tonight?

(847): View more from Illinois

Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

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(360): View more from Washington

Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(917): View more from New York City

Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

(347): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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(704): View more from North Carolina

oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess

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(214): View more from Texas

so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings

(1-214): View more from Texas

dont u have athletes foot?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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(762): View more from Georgia

Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(425): View more from Washington

Hi

(805): View more from California

Babe...You're really smothering me right now

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

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(678): View more from Georgia

you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.

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(940): View more from Texas

nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(830): View more from Texas

You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

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(520): View more from Arizona

while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.

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(831): View more from California

There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.

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(540): View more from Virginia

all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes

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(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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(908): View more from New Jersey

im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs

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(253): View more from Washington

Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.

(661): View more from California

Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Goodnight sugar queer

(480): View more from Arizona

Sugar queer??

(602): View more from Arizona

Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis

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(212): View more from New York

i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(913): View more from Kansas

took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"

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(443): View more from Maryland

shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

wrong number but thanks

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(+07): View more from

tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?

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(850): View more from Florida

Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck the hobbit

(301): View more from Maryland

what about unicorns?

(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck those pointy horses

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(315): View more from New York

I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"

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(802): View more from Vermont

But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!

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(925): View more from California

Wait, how do girls masturbate?

(1-925): View more from California

I dunno we use shower heads I guess.

(925): View more from California

..how does it fit?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...

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(314): View more from Missouri

this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(410): View more from Maryland

This is evicking siegelnvs

(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry?

(410): View more from Maryland

This is fucking ridiculous*

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(289): View more from Ontario

It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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(573): View more from Missouri

i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella

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(402): View more from Nebraska

how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?

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(757): View more from Virginia

She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.

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