I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
