I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
It's never too late to be topless.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
he fucked my hip out of place.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I wish my penis had an off switch
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
now i know why i became what i already was.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It's official drugs can't kill me
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
sarcasm needs its own font
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Houston, we have a blender
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Even my vagina gasped.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests