what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I told you penises don't tan
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?